ioneabee Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 1) I cost my cornflakes every morning with lead filings and 99Ron fuel. 2) I cut the grass by pouring petrol over it and setting fire! 3) I chew on wild rabbits as a snack. 4) I blow my tyres up with my mouth. 5) I shave with a bowie knife. 6) I changed my oil and used my teeth to get the sup plug off! 7) I too changed my oil and drank the waste! 8) I eat my dinner with a pitch fork and machete. 9) My cat has been trained to be the local drug dealer 10) I drive a pick up truck. The manliest vehicle in the known universe 11) I am ians cats best customer 12) When servicing my car I don't use ramps, I hold my car up with my knees 13) I wear barbed wire instead of socks 14) I brush my teeth with a wire brush 15) I drink sand 16) I can do 0-60 in 2.5 seconds. That's twice as fast as my car. 17) I used hair straighteners to smash my teeth out when I got bored cleaning them. 18) when I cook tea I often cut my own finger off as a snack. 19) I ate Ian's cat because it gives short measures 20) I use sandpaper condoms. 21) I do my own electrical work - stripping wires with my teeth - and leave the supply on whilst doing it. 22) When I do push-ups my body stays still and the earth moves up and down 23) I pop into fine haberdasheries and say "Your hats are less than exceptional." 24) I got into a knife fight. The knife lost 25) I'm a lumber jack and I'm ok, I cut down trees and I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra - I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa...............is this the right thread ? Quote
Chris AME Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 I aspire to turbo/supercharge everything I own, this includes the microwave Quote
HEADPHONES Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 1) I cost my cornflakes every morning with lead filings and 99Ron fuel. 2) I cut the grass by pouring petrol over it and setting fire! 3) I chew on wild rabbits as a snack. 4) I blow my tyres up with my mouth. 5) I shave with a bowie knife. 6) I changed my oil and used my teeth to get the sup plug off! 7) I too changed my oil and drank the waste! 8) I eat my dinner with a pitch fork and machete. 9) My cat has been trained to be the local drug dealer 10) I drive a pick up truck. The manliest vehicle in the known universe 11) I am ians cats best customer 12) When servicing my car I don't use ramps, I hold my car up with my knees 13) I wear barbed wire instead of socks 14) I brush my teeth with a wire brush 15) I drink sand 16) I can do 0-60 in 2.5 seconds. That's twice as fast as my car. 17) I used hair straighteners to smash my teeth out when I got bored cleaning them. 18) when I cook tea I often cut my own finger off as a snack. 19) I ate Ian's cat because it gives short measures 20) I use sandpaper condoms. 21) I do my own electrical work - stripping wires with my teeth - and leave the supply on whilst doing it. 22) When I do push-ups my body stays still and the earth moves up and down 23) I pop into fine haberdasheries and say "Your hats are less than exceptional." 24) I got into a knife fight. The knife lost 25) I'm a lumber jack and I'm ok, I cut down trees and I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra - I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa...............is this the right thread ? 26) I aspire to turbo/supercharge everything I own, this includes the microwave 27) Even as a kid I could anhialate everyone at a game of conkers......USING MY LEFT NUT Quote
marzman Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 1) I cost my cornflakes every morning with lead filings and 99Ron fuel. 2) I cut the grass by pouring petrol over it and setting fire! 3) I chew on wild rabbits as a snack. 4) I blow my tyres up with my mouth. 5) I shave with a bowie knife. 6) I changed my oil and used my teeth to get the sup plug off! 7) I too changed my oil and drank the waste! 8) I eat my dinner with a pitch fork and machete. 9) My cat has been trained to be the local drug dealer 10) I drive a pick up truck. The manliest vehicle in the known universe 11) I am ians cats best customer 12) When servicing my car I don't use ramps, I hold my car up with my knees 13) I wear barbed wire instead of socks 14) I brush my teeth with a wire brush 15) I drink sand 16) I can do 0-60 in 2.5 seconds. That's twice as fast as my car. 17) I used hair straighteners to smash my teeth out when I got bored cleaning them. 18) when I cook tea I often cut my own finger off as a snack. 19) I ate Ian's cat because it gives short measures 20) I use sandpaper condoms. 21) I do my own electrical work - stripping wires with my teeth - and leave the supply on whilst doing it. 22) When I do push-ups my body stays still and the earth moves up and down 23) I pop into fine haberdasheries and say "Your hats are less than exceptional." 24) I got into a knife fight. The knife lost 25) I'm a lumber jack and I'm ok, I cut down trees and I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra - I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa...............is this the right thread ? 26) I aspire to turbo/supercharge everything I own, this includes the microwave 27) Even as a kid I could anhialate everyone at a game of conkers......USING MY LEFT NUT 28) When the Olympics found out G4S couldnt provide the security required they asked me if i could do it, but i was too busy drinking beer and nailing strippers. Quote
twobears Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Great thread guys! I've just had to explain why I was giggling and then I was instructed to read out loud and share the joke with the rest of the class I wish I could add something of my own to the list but, for once I agree that you've finally got the level of sexism just right so I'll keep my trap shut Quote
Builder49 Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 1) I cost my cornflakes every morning with lead filings and 99Ron fuel. 2) I cut the grass by pouring petrol over it and setting fire! 3) I chew on wild rabbits as a snack. 4) I blow my tyres up with my mouth. 5) I shave with a bowie knife. 6) I changed my oil and used my teeth to get the sup plug off! 7) I too changed my oil and drank the waste! 8) I eat my dinner with a pitch fork and machete. 9) My cat has been trained to be the local drug dealer 10) I drive a pick up truck. The manliest vehicle in the known universe 11) I am ians cats best customer 12) When servicing my car I don't use ramps, I hold my car up with my knees 13) I wear barbed wire instead of socks 14) I brush my teeth with a wire brush 15) I drink sand 16) I can do 0-60 in 2.5 seconds. That's twice as fast as my car. 17) I used hair straighteners to smash my teeth out when I got bored cleaning them. 18) when I cook tea I often cut my own finger off as a snack. 19) I ate Ian's cat because it gives short measures 20) I use sandpaper condoms. 21) I do my own electrical work - stripping wires with my teeth - and leave the supply on whilst doing it. 22) When I do push-ups my body stays still and the earth moves up and down 23) I pop into fine haberdasheries and say "Your hats are less than exceptional." 24) I got into a knife fight. The knife lost 25) I'm a lumber jack and I'm ok, I cut down trees and I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra - I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa...............is this the right thread ? 26) I aspire to turbo/supercharge everything I own, this includes the microwave 27) Even as a kid I could anhialate everyone at a game of conkers......USING MY LEFT NUT 28) When the Olympics found out G4S couldnt provide the security required they asked me if i could do it, but i was too busy drinking beer and nailing strippers. 29) Not only do I pee standing up, I'm doing a handstand, not standing on my feet Quote
Chris AME Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 1) I cost my cornflakes every morning with lead filings and 99Ron fuel. 2) I cut the grass by pouring petrol over it and setting fire! 3) I chew on wild rabbits as a snack. 4) I blow my tyres up with my mouth. 5) I shave with a bowie knife. 6) I changed my oil and used my teeth to get the sup plug off! 7) I too changed my oil and drank the waste! 8) I eat my dinner with a pitch fork and machete. 9) My cat has been trained to be the local drug dealer 10) I drive a pick up truck. The manliest vehicle in the known universe 11) I am ians cats best customer 12) When servicing my car I don't use ramps, I hold my car up with my knees 13) I wear barbed wire instead of socks 14) I brush my teeth with a wire brush 15) I drink sand 16) I can do 0-60 in 2.5 seconds. That's twice as fast as my car. 17) I used hair straighteners to smash my teeth out when I got bored cleaning them. 18) when I cook tea I often cut my own finger off as a snack. 19) I ate Ian's cat because it gives short measures 20) I use sandpaper condoms. 21) I do my own electrical work - stripping wires with my teeth - and leave the supply on whilst doing it. 22) When I do push-ups my body stays still and the earth moves up and down 23) I pop into fine haberdasheries and say "Your hats are less than exceptional." 24) I got into a knife fight. The knife lost 25) I'm a lumber jack and I'm ok, I cut down trees and I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra - I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa...............is this the right thread ? 26) I aspire to turbo/supercharge everything I own, this includes the microwave 27) Even as a kid I could anhialate everyone at a game of conkers......USING MY LEFT NUT 28) When the Olympics found out G4S couldnt provide the security required they asked me if i could do it, but i was too busy drinking beer and nailing strippers. 29) Not only do I pee standing up, I'm doing a handstand, not standing on my feet 30) I don't wash the dishes they wet themselves in fear Quote
The Bounty Bar Kid Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 1) I cost my cornflakes every morning with lead filings and 99Ron fuel. 2) I cut the grass by pouring petrol over it and setting fire! 3) I chew on wild rabbits as a snack. 4) I blow my tyres up with my mouth. 5) I shave with a bowie knife. 6) I changed my oil and used my teeth to get the sup plug off! 7) I too changed my oil and drank the waste! 8) I eat my dinner with a pitch fork and machete. 9) My cat has been trained to be the local drug dealer 10) I drive a pick up truck. The manliest vehicle in the known universe 11) I am ians cats best customer 12) When servicing my car I don't use ramps, I hold my car up with my knees 13) I wear barbed wire instead of socks 14) I brush my teeth with a wire brush 15) I drink sand 16) I can do 0-60 in 2.5 seconds. That's twice as fast as my car. 17) I used hair straighteners to smash my teeth out when I got bored cleaning them. 18) when I cook tea I often cut my own finger off as a snack. 19) I ate Ian's cat because it gives short measures 20) I use sandpaper condoms. 21) I do my own electrical work - stripping wires with my teeth - and leave the supply on whilst doing it. 22) When I do push-ups my body stays still and the earth moves up and down 23) I pop into fine haberdasheries and say "Your hats are less than exceptional." 24) I got into a knife fight. The knife lost 25) I'm a lumber jack and I'm ok, I cut down trees and I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra - I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa...............is this the right thread ? 26) I aspire to turbo/supercharge everything I own, this includes the microwave 27) Even as a kid I could anhialate everyone at a game of conkers......USING MY LEFT NUT 28) When the Olympics found out G4S couldnt provide the security required they asked me if i could do it, but i was too busy drinking beer and nailing strippers. 29) Not only do I pee standing up, I'm doing a handstand, not standing on my feet 30) I don't wash the dishes they wet themselves in fear 31) The exotic dancers at my local Gentleman's club know me by name. Quote
Ricey Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 1) I cost my cornflakes every morning with lead filings and 99Ron fuel. 2) I cut the grass by pouring petrol over it and setting fire! 3) I chew on wild rabbits as a snack. 4) I blow my tyres up with my mouth. 5) I shave with a bowie knife. 6) I changed my oil and used my teeth to get the sup plug off! 7) I too changed my oil and drank the waste! 8) I eat my dinner with a pitch fork and machete. 9) My cat has been trained to be the local drug dealer 10) I drive a pick up truck. The manliest vehicle in the known universe 11) I am ians cats best customer 12) When servicing my car I don't use ramps, I hold my car up with my knees 13) I wear barbed wire instead of socks 14) I brush my teeth with a wire brush 15) I drink sand 16) I can do 0-60 in 2.5 seconds. That's twice as fast as my car. 17) I used hair straighteners to smash my teeth out when I got bored cleaning them. 18) when I cook tea I often cut my own finger off as a snack. 19) I ate Ian's cat because it gives short measures 20) I use sandpaper condoms. 21) I do my own electrical work - stripping wires with my teeth - and leave the supply on whilst doing it. 22) When I do push-ups my body stays still and the earth moves up and down 23) I pop into fine haberdasheries and say "Your hats are less than exceptional." 24) I got into a knife fight. The knife lost 25) I'm a lumber jack and I'm ok, I cut down trees and I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra - I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa...............is this the right thread ? 26) I aspire to turbo/supercharge everything I own, this includes the microwave 27) Even as a kid I could anhialate everyone at a game of conkers......USING MY LEFT NUT 28) When the Olympics found out G4S couldnt provide the security required they asked me if i could do it, but i was too busy drinking beer and nailing strippers. 29) Not only do I pee standing up, I'm doing a handstand, not standing on my feet 30) I don't wash the dishes they wet themselves in fear 31) when I need to stop a wee midstream I smash him with a hammer to stem the flow Quote
ironhide Posted July 19, 2012 Author Posted July 19, 2012 1) I coat my cornflakes every morning with lead filings and 99Ron fuel. 2) I cut the grass by pouring petrol over it and setting fire! 3) I chew on wild rabbits as a snack. 4) I blow my tyres up with my mouth. 5) I shave with a bowie knife. 6) I changed my oil and used my teeth to get the sup plug off! 7) I too changed my oil and drank the waste! 8) I eat my dinner with a pitch fork and machete. 9) My cat has been trained to be the local drug dealer 10) I drive a pick up truck. The manliest vehicle in the known universe 11) I am ians cats best customer 12) When servicing my car I don't use ramps, I hold my car up with my knees 13) I wear barbed wire instead of socks 14) I brush my teeth with a wire brush 15) I drink sand 16) I can do 0-60 in 2.5 seconds. That's twice as fast as my car. 17) I used hair straighteners to smash my teeth out when I got bored cleaning them. 18) when I cook tea I often cut my own finger off as a snack. 19) I ate Ian's cat because it gives short measures 20) I use sandpaper condoms. 21) I do my own electrical work - stripping wires with my teeth - and leave the supply on whilst doing it. 22) When I do push-ups my body stays still and the earth moves up and down 23) I pop into fine haberdasheries and say "Your hats are less than exceptional." 24) I got into a knife fight. The knife lost 25) I'm a lumber jack and I'm ok, I cut down trees and I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra - I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa...............is this the right thread ? 26) I aspire to turbo/supercharge everything I own, this includes the microwave 27) Even as a kid I could anhialate everyone at a game of conkers......USING MY LEFT NUT 28) When the Olympics found out G4S couldnt provide the security required they asked me if i could do it, but i was too busy drinking beer and nailing strippers. 29) Not only do I pee standing up, I'm doing a handstand, not standing on my feet 30) I don't wash the dishes they wet themselves in fear 31) The exotic dancers at my local Gentleman's club know me by name. 32) when I need to stop a wee midstream I smash him with a hammer to stem the flow 33) I make onions cry Quote
CarrotCakeIsYum Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 34) I skip to the front of queues 1) I coat my cornflakes every morning with lead filings and 99Ron fuel. 2) I cut the grass by pouring petrol over it and setting fire! 3) I chew on wild rabbits as a snack. 4) I blow my tyres up with my mouth. 5) I shave with a bowie knife. 6) I changed my oil and used my teeth to get the sup plug off! 7) I too changed my oil and drank the waste! 8) I eat my dinner with a pitch fork and machete. 9) My cat has been trained to be the local drug dealer 10) I drive a pick up truck. The manliest vehicle in the known universe 11) I am ians cats best customer 12) When servicing my car I don't use ramps, I hold my car up with my knees 13) I wear barbed wire instead of socks 14) I brush my teeth with a wire brush 15) I drink sand 16) I can do 0-60 in 2.5 seconds. That's twice as fast as my car. 17) I used hair straighteners to smash my teeth out when I got bored cleaning them. 18) when I cook tea I often cut my own finger off as a snack. 19) I ate Ian's cat because it gives short measures 20) I use sandpaper condoms. 21) I do my own electrical work - stripping wires with my teeth - and leave the supply on whilst doing it. 22) When I do push-ups my body stays still and the earth moves up and down 23) I pop into fine haberdasheries and say "Your hats are less than exceptional." 24) I got into a knife fight. The knife lost 25) I'm a lumber jack and I'm ok, I cut down trees and I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra - I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa...............is this the right thread ? 26) I aspire to turbo/supercharge everything I own, this includes the microwave 27) Even as a kid I could anhialate everyone at a game of conkers......USING MY LEFT NUT 28) When the Olympics found out G4S couldnt provide the security required they asked me if i could do it, but i was too busy drinking beer and nailing strippers. 29) Not only do I pee standing up, I'm doing a handstand, not standing on my feet 30) I don't wash the dishes they wet themselves in fear 31) The exotic dancers at my local Gentleman's club know me by name. 32) when I need to stop a wee midstream I smash him with a hammer to stem the flow 33) I make onions cry Quote
carlton x Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 1) I coat my cornflakes every morning with lead filings and 99Ron fuel. 2) I cut the grass by pouring petrol over it and setting fire! 3) I chew on wild rabbits as a snack. 4) I blow my tyres up with my mouth. 5) I shave with a bowie knife. 6) I changed my oil and used my teeth to get the sup plug off! 7) I too changed my oil and drank the waste! 8) I eat my dinner with a pitch fork and machete. 9) My cat has been trained to be the local drug dealer 10) I drive a pick up truck. The manliest vehicle in the known universe 11) I am ians cats best customer 12) When servicing my car I don't use ramps, I hold my car up with my knees 13) I wear barbed wire instead of socks 14) I brush my teeth with a wire brush 15) I drink sand 16) I can do 0-60 in 2.5 seconds. That's twice as fast as my car. 17) I used hair straighteners to smash my teeth out when I got bored cleaning them. 18) when I cook tea I often cut my own finger off as a snack. 19) I ate Ian's cat because it gives short measures 20) I use sandpaper condoms. 21) I do my own electrical work - stripping wires with my teeth - and leave the supply on whilst doing it. 22) When I do push-ups my body stays still and the earth moves up and down 23) I pop into fine haberdasheries and say "Your hats are less than exceptional." 24) I got into a knife fight. The knife lost 25) I'm a lumber jack and I'm ok, I cut down trees and I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra - I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa...............is this the right thread ? 26) I aspire to turbo/supercharge everything I own, this includes the microwave 27) Even as a kid I could anhialate everyone at a game of conkers......USING MY LEFT NUT 28) When the Olympics found out G4S couldnt provide the security required they asked me if i could do it, but i was too busy drinking beer and nailing strippers. 29) Not only do I pee standing up, I'm doing a handstand, not standing on my feet 30) I don't wash the dishes they wet themselves in fear 31) The exotic dancers at my local Gentleman's club know me by name. 32) when I need to stop a wee midstream I smash him with a hammer to stem the flow 33) I make onions cry 34) my seaman can swim the channel . . . and back ! Quote
carlton x Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 1) I coat my cornflakes every morning with lead filings and 99Ron fuel. 2) I cut the grass by pouring petrol over it and setting fire! 3) I chew on wild rabbits as a snack. 4) I blow my tyres up with my mouth. 5) I shave with a bowie knife. 6) I changed my oil and used my teeth to get the sup plug off! 7) I too changed my oil and drank the waste! 8) I eat my dinner with a pitch fork and machete. 9) My cat has been trained to be the local drug dealer 10) I drive a pick up truck. The manliest vehicle in the known universe 11) I am ians cats best customer 12) When servicing my car I don't use ramps, I hold my car up with my knees 13) I wear barbed wire instead of socks 14) I brush my teeth with a wire brush 15) I drink sand 16) I can do 0-60 in 2.5 seconds. That's twice as fast as my car. 17) I used hair straighteners to smash my teeth out when I got bored cleaning them. 18) when I cook tea I often cut my own finger off as a snack. 19) I ate Ian's cat because it gives short measures 20) I use sandpaper condoms. 21) I do my own electrical work - stripping wires with my teeth - and leave the supply on whilst doing it. 22) When I do push-ups my body stays still and the earth moves up and down 23) I pop into fine haberdasheries and say "Your hats are less than exceptional." 24) I got into a knife fight. The knife lost 25) I'm a lumber jack and I'm ok, I cut down trees and I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra - I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa...............is this the right thread ? 26) I aspire to turbo/supercharge everything I own, this includes the microwave 27) Even as a kid I could anhialate everyone at a game of conkers......USING MY LEFT NUT 28) When the Olympics found out G4S couldnt provide the security required they asked me if i could do it, but i was too busy drinking beer and nailing strippers. 29) Not only do I pee standing up, I'm doing a handstand, not standing on my feet 30) I don't wash the dishes they wet themselves in fear 31) The exotic dancers at my local Gentleman's club know me by name. 32) when I need to stop a wee midstream I smash him with a hammer to stem the flow 33) I make onions cry 34) my seaman can swim the channel . . . and back ! Quote
Builder49 Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 1) I coat my cornflakes every morning with lead filings and 99Ron fuel. 2) I cut the grass by pouring petrol over it and setting fire! 3) I chew on wild rabbits as a snack. 4) I blow my tyres up with my mouth. 5) I shave with a bowie knife. 6) I changed my oil and used my teeth to get the sup plug off! 7) I too changed my oil and drank the waste! 8) I eat my dinner with a pitch fork and machete. 9) My cat has been trained to be the local drug dealer 10) I drive a pick up truck. The manliest vehicle in the known universe 11) I am ians cats best customer 12) When servicing my car I don't use ramps, I hold my car up with my knees 13) I wear barbed wire instead of socks 14) I brush my teeth with a wire brush 15) I drink sand 16) I can do 0-60 in 2.5 seconds. That's twice as fast as my car. 17) I used hair straighteners to smash my teeth out when I got bored cleaning them. 18) when I cook tea I often cut my own finger off as a snack. 19) I ate Ian's cat because it gives short measures 20) I use sandpaper condoms. 21) I do my own electrical work - stripping wires with my teeth - and leave the supply on whilst doing it. 22) When I do push-ups my body stays still and the earth moves up and down 23) I pop into fine haberdasheries and say "Your hats are less than exceptional." 24) I got into a knife fight. The knife lost 25) I'm a lumber jack and I'm ok, I cut down trees and I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra - I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa...............is this the right thread ? 26) I aspire to turbo/supercharge everything I own, this includes the microwave 27) Even as a kid I could anhialate everyone at a game of conkers......USING MY LEFT NUT 28) When the Olympics found out G4S couldnt provide the security required they asked me if i could do it, but i was too busy drinking beer and nailing strippers. 29) Not only do I pee standing up, I'm doing a handstand, not standing on my feet 30) I don't wash the dishes they wet themselves in fear 31) The exotic dancers at my local Gentleman's club know me by name. 32) when I need to stop a wee midstream I smash him with a hammer to stem the flow 33) I make onions cry 34) my seaman can swim the channel . . . and back ! 35) I once said 'NO' to my wife!!!! Quote
The G Man Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 1) I coat my cornflakes every morning with lead filings and 99Ron fuel. 2) I cut the grass by pouring petrol over it and setting fire! 3) I chew on wild rabbits as a snack. 4) I blow my tyres up with my mouth. 5) I shave with a bowie knife. 6) I changed my oil and used my teeth to get the sup plug off! 7) I too changed my oil and drank the waste! 8) I eat my dinner with a pitch fork and machete. 9) My cat has been trained to be the local drug dealer 10) I drive a pick up truck. The manliest vehicle in the known universe 11) I am ians cats best customer 12) When servicing my car I don't use ramps, I hold my car up with my knees 13) I wear barbed wire instead of socks 14) I brush my teeth with a wire brush 15) I drink sand 16) I can do 0-60 in 2.5 seconds. That's twice as fast as my car. 17) I used hair straighteners to smash my teeth out when I got bored cleaning them. 18) when I cook tea I often cut my own finger off as a snack. 19) I ate Ian's cat because it gives short measures 20) I use sandpaper condoms. 21) I do my own electrical work - stripping wires with my teeth - and leave the supply on whilst doing it. 22) When I do push-ups my body stays still and the earth moves up and down 23) I pop into fine haberdasheries and say "Your hats are less than exceptional." 24) I got into a knife fight. The knife lost 25) I'm a lumber jack and I'm ok, I cut down trees and I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra - I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa...............is this the right thread ? 26) I aspire to turbo/supercharge everything I own, this includes the microwave 27) Even as a kid I could anhialate everyone at a game of conkers......USING MY LEFT NUT 28) When the Olympics found out G4S couldnt provide the security required they asked me if i could do it, but i was too busy drinking beer and nailing strippers. 29) Not only do I pee standing up, I'm doing a handstand, not standing on my feet 30) I don't wash the dishes they wet themselves in fear 31) The exotic dancers at my local Gentleman's club know me by name. 32) when I need to stop a wee midstream I smash him with a hammer to stem the flow 33) I make onions cry 34) my seaman can swim the channel . . . and back ! 35) I once said 'NO' to my wife!!!! 26) When I went to Iraq in 2003, Saddam Whitshisface was so scared he hid in a hole in a farmers backyard, I then went on to drink strippers and nail drink!! Quote
Commander Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 1) I coat my cornflakes every morning with lead filings and 99Ron fuel. 2) I cut the grass by pouring petrol over it and setting fire! 3) I chew on wild rabbits as a snack. 4) I blow my tyres up with my mouth. 5) I shave with a bowie knife. 6) I changed my oil and used my teeth to get the sup plug off! 7) I too changed my oil and drank the waste! 8) I eat my dinner with a pitch fork and machete. 9) My cat has been trained to be the local drug dealer 10) I drive a pick up truck. The manliest vehicle in the known universe 11) I am ians cats best customer 12) When servicing my car I don't use ramps, I hold my car up with my knees 13) I wear barbed wire instead of socks 14) I brush my teeth with a wire brush 15) I drink sand 16) I can do 0-60 in 2.5 seconds. That's twice as fast as my car. 17) I used hair straighteners to smash my teeth out when I got bored cleaning them. 18) when I cook tea I often cut my own finger off as a snack. 19) I ate Ian's cat because it gives short measures 20) I use sandpaper condoms. 21) I do my own electrical work - stripping wires with my teeth - and leave the supply on whilst doing it. 22) When I do push-ups my body stays still and the earth moves up and down 23) I pop into fine haberdasheries and say "Your hats are less than exceptional." 24) I got into a knife fight. The knife lost 25) I'm a lumber jack and I'm ok, I cut down trees and I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra - I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa...............is this the right thread ? 26) I aspire to turbo/supercharge everything I own, this includes the microwave 27) Even as a kid I could anhialate everyone at a game of conkers......USING MY LEFT NUT 28) When the Olympics found out G4S couldnt provide the security required they asked me if i could do it, but i was too busy drinking beer and nailing strippers. 29) Not only do I pee standing up, I'm doing a handstand, not standing on my feet 30) I don't wash the dishes they wet themselves in fear 31) The exotic dancers at my local Gentleman's club know me by name. 32) when I need to stop a wee midstream I smash him with a hammer to stem the flow 33) I make onions cry 34) my seaman can swim the channel . . . and back ! 35) I once said 'NO' to my wife!!!! 26) When I went to Iraq in 2003, Saddam Whitshisface was so scared he hid in a hole in a farmers backyard, I then went on to drink strippers and nail drink!! 27) When doing DIY I don't need a hammer, I smash the nails in with my face. Quote
spursmaddave Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 I'm a real man who can pretend I do real manly things but I can't count up to 40 32, 33, 34, 35, 26, 27..... Quote
spursmaddave Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 31) The exotic dancers at my local Gentleman's club know me by name. Wrong thread as all the exotic dancers are male Quote
Stew Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 1) I coat my cornflakes every morning with lead filings and 99Ron fuel. 2) I cut the grass by pouring petrol over it and setting fire! 3) I chew on wild rabbits as a snack. 4) I blow my tyres up with my mouth. 5) I shave with a bowie knife. 6) I changed my oil and used my teeth to get the sup plug off! 7) I too changed my oil and drank the waste! 8) I eat my dinner with a pitch fork and machete. 9) My cat has been trained to be the local drug dealer 10) I drive a pick up truck. The manliest vehicle in the known universe 11) I am ians cats best customer 12) When servicing my car I don't use ramps, I hold my car up with my knees 13) I wear barbed wire instead of socks 14) I brush my teeth with a wire brush 15) I drink sand 16) I can do 0-60 in 2.5 seconds. That's twice as fast as my car. 17) I used hair straighteners to smash my teeth out when I got bored cleaning them. 18) when I cook tea I often cut my own finger off as a snack. 19) I ate Ian's cat because it gives short measures 20) I use sandpaper condoms. 21) I do my own electrical work - stripping wires with my teeth - and leave the supply on whilst doing it. 22) When I do push-ups my body stays still and the earth moves up and down 23) I pop into fine haberdasheries and say "Your hats are less than exceptional." 24) I got into a knife fight. The knife lost 25) I'm a lumber jack and I'm ok, I cut down trees and I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra - I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa...............is this the right thread ? 26) I aspire to turbo/supercharge everything I own, this includes the microwave 27) Even as a kid I could anhialate everyone at a game of conkers......USING MY LEFT NUT 28) When the Olympics found out G4S couldnt provide the security required they asked me if i could do it, but i was too busy drinking beer and nailing strippers. 29) Not only do I pee standing up, I'm doing a handstand, not standing on my feet 30) I don't wash the dishes they wet themselves in fear 31) The exotic dancers at my local Gentleman's club know me by name. 32) when I need to stop a wee midstream I smash him with a hammer to stem the flow 33) I make onions cry 34) my seaman can swim the channel . . . and back ! 35) I once said 'NO' to my wife!!!! 36) When I went to Iraq in 2003, Saddam Whitshisface was so scared he hid in a hole in a farmers backyard, I then went on to drink strippers and nail drink!! 37) When doing DIY I don't need a hammer, I smash the nails in with my face. 38) Cheryl cole says my name.... baby! Quote
rtbiscuit Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 1) I coat my cornflakes every morning with lead filings and 99Ron fuel. 2) I cut the grass by pouring petrol over it and setting fire! 3) I chew on wild rabbits as a snack. 4) I blow my tyres up with my mouth. 5) I shave with a bowie knife. 6) I changed my oil and used my teeth to get the sup plug off! 7) I too changed my oil and drank the waste! 8) I eat my dinner with a pitch fork and machete. 9) My cat has been trained to be the local drug dealer 10) I drive a pick up truck. The manliest vehicle in the known universe 11) I am ians cats best customer 12) When servicing my car I don't use ramps, I hold my car up with my knees 13) I wear barbed wire instead of socks 14) I brush my teeth with a wire brush 15) I drink sand 16) I can do 0-60 in 2.5 seconds. That's twice as fast as my car. 17) I used hair straighteners to smash my teeth out when I got bored cleaning them. 18) when I cook tea I often cut my own finger off as a snack. 19) I ate Ian's cat because it gives short measures 20) I use sandpaper condoms. 21) I do my own electrical work - stripping wires with my teeth - and leave the supply on whilst doing it. 22) When I do push-ups my body stays still and the earth moves up and down 23) I pop into fine haberdasheries and say "Your hats are less than exceptional." 24) I got into a knife fight. The knife lost 25) I'm a lumber jack and I'm ok, I cut down trees and I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra - I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa...............is this the right thread ? 26) I aspire to turbo/supercharge everything I own, this includes the microwave 27) Even as a kid I could anhialate everyone at a game of conkers......USING MY LEFT NUT 28) When the Olympics found out G4S couldnt provide the security required they asked me if i could do it, but i was too busy drinking beer and nailing strippers. 29) Not only do I pee standing up, I'm doing a handstand, not standing on my feet 30) I don't wash the dishes they wet themselves in fear 31) The exotic dancers at my local Gentleman's club know me by name. 32) when I need to stop a wee midstream I smash him with a hammer to stem the flow 33) I make onions cry 34) my seaman can swim the channel . . . and back ! 35) I once said 'NO' to my wife!!!! 36) When I went to Iraq in 2003, Saddam Whitshisface was so scared he hid in a hole in a farmers backyard, I then went on to drink strippers and nail drink!! 37) When doing DIY I don't need a hammer, I smash the nails in with my face. 38) Cheryl cole says my name.... baby! 39) I can pebble dash a house just with the use of 20 bottles of scrumpy and a large bag of nuts. Quote
ironhide Posted July 20, 2012 Author Posted July 20, 2012 Just to neaten up the list as a few people can't count and 34) skipped to the front of the queue 34) I skip to the front of queues 1) I coat my cornflakes every morning with lead filings and 99Ron fuel. 2) I cut the grass by pouring petrol over it and setting fire! 3) I chew on wild rabbits as a snack. 4) I blow my tyres up with my mouth. 5) I shave with a bowie knife. 6) I changed my oil and used my teeth to get the sup plug off! 7) I too changed my oil and drank the waste! 8) I eat my dinner with a pitch fork and machete. 9) My cat has been trained to be the local drug dealer 10) I drive a pick up truck. The manliest vehicle in the known universe 11) I am ians cats best customer 12) When servicing my car I don't use ramps, I hold my car up with my knees 13) I wear barbed wire instead of socks 14) I brush my teeth with a wire brush 15) I drink sand 16) I can do 0-60 in 2.5 seconds. That's twice as fast as my car. 17) I used hair straighteners to smash my teeth out when I got bored cleaning them. 18) when I cook tea I often cut my own finger off as a snack. 19) I ate Ian's cat because it gives short measures 20) I use sandpaper condoms. 21) I do my own electrical work - stripping wires with my teeth - and leave the supply on whilst doing it. 22) When I do push-ups my body stays still and the earth moves up and down 23) I pop into fine haberdasheries and say "Your hats are less than exceptional." 24) I got into a knife fight. The knife lost 25) I'm a lumber jack and I'm ok, I cut down trees and I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra - I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa...............is this the right thread ? 26) I aspire to turbo/supercharge everything I own, this includes the microwave 27) Even as a kid I could anhialate everyone at a game of conkers......USING MY LEFT NUT 28) When the Olympics found out G4S couldnt provide the security required they asked me if i could do it, but i was too busy drinking beer and nailing strippers. 29) Not only do I pee standing up, I'm doing a handstand, not standing on my feet 30) I don't wash the dishes they wet themselves in fear 31) The exotic dancers at my local Gentleman's club know me by name. 32) when I need to stop a wee midstream I smash him with a hammer to stem the flow 33) I make onions cry 35) my seaman can swim the channel . . . and back ! 36) I once said 'NO' to my wife!!!! 37) When I went to Iraq in 2003, Saddam Whitshisface was so scared he hid in a hole in a farmers backyard, I then went on to drink strippers and nail drink!! 38) When doing DIY I don't need a hammer, I smash the nails in with my face. 39) Cheryl cole says my name.... baby! 40) I can pebble dash a house just with the use of 20 bottles of scrumpy and a large bag of nuts. Quote
Wasso Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Ha ha that 34 is always trying to get in front of me at the supermarket Quote
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