WhackyWill Posted April 6, 2014 Share Posted April 6, 2014 A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer thinks that seniors are so dumb, he can 'put one over on them' quite easily. So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game. The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun... "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only £5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £500" he says. This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?" The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five pound note, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and come down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he could find on the Net. He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the senior and hands him £500. The senior pockets the £500 and goes back to sleep. The lawyer is now going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer a £5 note and goes back to sleep. Never mess with seniors - they are smarter than they look...!! How wide is your screen? Bit personal Innit.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhackyWill Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lbeddowscbr Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 Not impressed with my new European cleaner! Took her 5 hours to hoover my living room!!!! Turns out she's a Slovak! Sent from my Lumia 800 using Tapatalk 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GMballistic Posted April 8, 2014 Author Share Posted April 8, 2014 ^^ A couple of Iraqi guys were selling watches on a stall in Cardiff market so I asked my Mrs if she wanted one? "I don't know" she said, "They look like they fell off the back of a lorry" "I know" I said, "But their watches look pretty good". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lbeddowscbr Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 Got a top of the range phone from Malaysia the other week, it was great till I put it in flight mode...... Now I can't find it anywhere! Sent from my Lumia 800 using Tapatalk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toon Chris Posted April 27, 2014 Share Posted April 27, 2014 Yesterday a man threw yoghurt at me in the street. I thought. "How dairy". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GMballistic Posted April 27, 2014 Author Share Posted April 27, 2014 Yesterday a man threw yoghurt at me in the street. I thought. "How dairy". Not bad Chris. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ATTAK Z Posted April 27, 2014 Share Posted April 27, 2014 Pork pie on a clock ... what time is it ? summat to eight Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhackyWill Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 (edited) Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me . Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes." WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "£60,000." MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £980,000 for it." MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of £900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!" MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is? Edited May 19, 2014 by WhackyWill Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GMballistic Posted May 19, 2014 Author Share Posted May 19, 2014 ^^ Oldie but a goody Will. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Linus27 Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 (edited) Some of these jokes are brilliant, keep them coming Edited May 19, 2014 by Linus27 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zhorno Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 What do gay horses eat...... I dunno (Reply in a gay voice) heeeey Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhackyWill Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 What do gay horses eat...... I dunno (Reply in a gay voice) heeeey Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk :scare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zhorno Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 Every1 laughs at a @*!# joke 😂 Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rock_Steady Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 if at first you don't succeed... then skydiving isn't for you! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rock_Steady Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 A vertically challenged man (dwarf to me and you but, just to be politically correct) was walking down the aisle of a plane with big bags filled with bottles of booze. Being of a certain height unable to put the bags in the over head compartment he stands on the seat and attempts to muddle the bags in. On doing so one of the bags splits open and bottles fall out on his face and head causing him to fall off the chair to the shock of the watching passengers and cabin crew. A stewardess runs over and says " oh my, are you o.k?" the man replies " well I'm not happy" she says " well, which one are you then?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G-girl. Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 Question.. Are there too many immigrants in UK ? 17% said Yes, 11% said No, 72% said "I am not understanding the question please." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ioneabee Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 another vote for UKIP then Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhackyWill Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 another vote for UKIP then Oh please NO.. This will only start Chubbster off again.. I see another Clarkson thread starting here. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ioneabee Posted May 22, 2014 Share Posted May 22, 2014 not so much a one liner - but appropriate for today An MP dies and is told by St Peter that he must spend one day in hell and one in heaven before choosing where to spend eternity. St Peter takes him down to hell in a lift. The doors open on a green golf course, with an elegant clubhouse and all his friends in evening dress, who rush to welcome him. They dance and make merry with caviar and champagne. St Peter then takes the MP up to heaven, where contented souls flit among the clouds singing and playing harps. So where will he spend eternity? He chooses hell. The lift descends. The doors open on a barren land where his friends, dressed in rags, are stuffing bin bags with piles of stinking rubbish that falls from the sky. “I don’t understand,†stammers the MP. “Yesterday there was a golf course and champagne… and everyone was happy.†The Devil appears and smilingly explains: “Yesterday, we were campaigning… but now, you’ve voted.†1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gsexr Posted May 22, 2014 Share Posted May 22, 2014 There`s a fella walking a tight rope between two tall buildings and on the other side of the world there`s a fella getting a BJ from an eighty year old woman. The same thought goes through their minds at the same time. v v v v v I`ll be alright if i don`t look down 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GMballistic Posted May 22, 2014 Author Share Posted May 22, 2014 ^^ Not bad gsexr. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spatt Posted May 22, 2014 Share Posted May 22, 2014 The person who you are most likely to get along with at the hospital.... the.. ' ultra sound guy' obviously 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jmanji Posted May 22, 2014 Share Posted May 22, 2014 A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter. Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age." "Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her f"cking appendix out!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve916 Posted May 22, 2014 Share Posted May 22, 2014 Me and the wife were cleaning out the loft earlier. Dirty, stinky and covered in cobwebs. But, she's good with the kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.