GMballistic Posted February 25, 2014 Author Share Posted February 25, 2014 Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco. Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take. Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them. "Blow that" said Paddy "That's the last time I go lion dancing" Liked the Jonathan Ross one. Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' , who has stabbed six people in the last 48 hours , believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.. The wife was counting all the 5p's and 10p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself , "She's going through the change." When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean , it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ATTAK Z Posted February 25, 2014 Share Posted February 25, 2014 Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' , who has stabbed six people in the last 48 hours , believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.. That's a pearler 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhackyWill Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' , who has stabbed six people in the last 48 hours , believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.. That's a pearler This could be a new thread..!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ianphampton Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 (edited) I sent some of these ^^ to my brother yesterday - he sent the list below back, so I thought I'd share with the rest of you ! Describe yourself in one word... "Bad with numbers" What's the difference between red and green? F***-all, apparently, if you're a cyclist. If I had a penny for every time someone told me I might have Asperger's, I'd have £73.41. What do you say to a woman with two black eyes? Nothing. You've told her twice already. I'm brilliant at Jigsaws. I did one that said '2-3 Years' on the Box and did it in one night - how amazing is that?! A priest, a paedophile and a rapist walk into a bar. He orders a beer. I went for a job interview as a scuba diving instructor yesterday. The guy interviewing me said, "This is not a good start, you look ridiculous." The police rang me yesterday to say they'd recovered my stolen three piece suite. Which was nice of them. It was starting to look a bit tatty. I can't get my new front door to work. There's no room for it on my motorbike. Some guy knocked on my door today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour." I said, "You've got the wrong house then mate." I was in a queue at the ATM, and the old lady in front of me asked if I could help her check her balance. So I pushed her over. My wife told me I can be a right bastard sometimes, so I chose Mondays and Wednesdays... I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg! Maths puns are the first sine of madness. Edited February 26, 2014 by ianphampton 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ATTAK Z Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 Maths puns are the first sine of madness. I think you've gone off on a tangent with that one so we'll cosine it to the trash can !!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GMballistic Posted February 26, 2014 Author Share Posted February 26, 2014 The Grim Reaper came for me last night , and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death. Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam. Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhackyWill Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 (edited) When I got home from playing golf today.... I noticed the wife left a note on the fridge. It said, "It's not working, I can't take it anymore!! I've gone to stay with my Mother." I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold........ What the hell is she talking about? Edited March 2, 2014 by WhackyWill 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R35LEE Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 Heard it before but good one all the same Will Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GMballistic Posted March 2, 2014 Author Share Posted March 2, 2014 Hadn't heard that one before. Like it Will. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhackyWill Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu. A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays. The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.' Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress. 'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.. ' Same for me,' says the emu. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?' 'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.' 'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!' 'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man. Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the emu?' The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big a55 and long legs, who agrees with everything I say...!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattross1313 Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 Maths puns are the first sine of madness. I think you've gone off on a tangent with that one so we'll cosine it to the trash can !!! These math jokes are soh bad Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flex Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 Maths puns are the first sine of madness. I think you've gone off on a tangent with that one so we'll cosine it to the trash can !!! These math jokes are soh bad I know any worse and they'll end up with Pi in their faces! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GMballistic Posted March 5, 2014 Author Share Posted March 5, 2014 (edited) If a quiz is quizzical, then what does that make a test? Accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator. I'm taking this sh*t to a whole new level. Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond but by the end you wish you had a club and a spade. Edited March 5, 2014 by GMballistic Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glrnet Posted March 12, 2014 Share Posted March 12, 2014 Interpol have arrested a Bradford man relating to the disappearance of a Malaysian aircraft. Dynamo has refuted the allegations. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhackyWill Posted March 12, 2014 Share Posted March 12, 2014 Interpol have arrested a Bradford man relating to the disappearance of a Malaysian aircraft. Dynamo has refuted the allegations. Dynamo "The Magician" lives very near to me, and drinks in my local. (now I've said that I need to put up a joke..!! ) An Irishman was terribly overweight , so his doctor put him on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for 2 days , then skip a day , then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day ... and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you , you should have lost at least 5 lbs.†When the Irishman returned , he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs! “That’s amazing!†the doctor said , “ Did you follow my instructions?†The Irishman nodded: “I’ll tell you what though , I taut I were going to drop dead on dat tird day.†“You mean from the hunger?†asked the doctor. “No , from the skippin !†Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GMballistic Posted March 12, 2014 Author Share Posted March 12, 2014 ^^ 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhackyWill Posted March 17, 2014 Share Posted March 17, 2014 (edited) A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?" Edited March 17, 2014 by WhackyWill Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grundy Posted March 17, 2014 Share Posted March 17, 2014 How was Stephen Hawking circumcised? Ctrl + X Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grundy Posted March 17, 2014 Share Posted March 17, 2014 Took the new girlfriend out on a date for tea and biscuits, She liked the biscuits but wasn't keen on giving the blood Huh? Lol Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Yeah what?!? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rock_Steady Posted March 26, 2014 Share Posted March 26, 2014 conjunctivitis.com... now, there's a site for sore eyes. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rock_Steady Posted March 26, 2014 Share Posted March 26, 2014 I got a complimentary comment left on my windscreen yesterday. it said, parking fine! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhackyWill Posted April 6, 2014 Share Posted April 6, 2014 (edited) A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer thinks that seniors are so dumb, he can 'put one over on them' quite easily. So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game. The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun... "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only £5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £500" he says. This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?" The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five pound note, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and come down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he could find on the Net. He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the senior and hands him £500. The senior pockets the £500 and goes back to sleep. The lawyer is now going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer a £5 note and goes back to sleep. Never mess with seniors - they are smarter than they look...!! Edited April 6, 2014 by WhackyWill 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GMballistic Posted April 6, 2014 Author Share Posted April 6, 2014 Very good Will and I liked yours too Rock_Steady. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stu_2424 Posted April 6, 2014 Share Posted April 6, 2014 A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer thinks that seniors are so dumb, he can 'put one over on them' quite easily. So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game. The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun... "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only £5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £500" he says. This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?" The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five pound note, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and come down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he could find on the Net. He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the senior and hands him £500. The senior pockets the £500 and goes back to sleep. The lawyer is now going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer a £5 note and goes back to sleep. Never mess with seniors - they are smarter than they look...!! Loved this one!! Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OV53 Posted April 6, 2014 Share Posted April 6, 2014 A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer thinks that seniors are so dumb, he can 'put one over on them' quite easily. So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game. The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun... "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only £5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £500" he says. This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?" The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five pound note, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and come down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he could find on the Net. He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the senior and hands him £500. The senior pockets the £500 and goes back to sleep. The lawyer is now going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer a £5 note and goes back to sleep. Never mess with seniors - they are smarter than they look...!! How wide is your screen? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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