Just a few one liners...

[spursmaddave]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the

 

Night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll

 

Not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'.. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll

 

Be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off.. He

 

Falls flat on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the

 

Stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls

 

Flat on his face, 'Shoite, Shoite !'

 

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to

 

The door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door

 

And shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes

 

A deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto

 

The sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

 

'Bi'Jesus... I'm fok**in' fo**ed,' he says.

 

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door,

 

Hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.. He

 

Takes a look up the stairs and says 'No f... Way. He crawls up the

 

Stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes

 

A step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'f...

 

It and falls into bed.

 

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of

 

Coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last Night ?'

 

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was f...in' pi**ed. But how did you know?'

Mick Phoned....You left your wheelchair in the pub..!!!!

.

 

Fairly long 'one liner'

[Flex]

Not a one liner........

 

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.

 

He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-down.

 

So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.

 

He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen.

 

But he won't say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.

 

He leads Fr.Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.

 

"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."

 

"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy

 

Fr. Flanagan said, "Oh my Lord, dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It's a mir….wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round; to interview you, take photos, etc."

 

A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome. No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.

 

Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.

 

"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out.

 

Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared 'No Miracle' because they think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!"

[WhackyWill]

Mary had a little skirt

It was slit right up the sides

And every time she wore that skirt

The boys could see her thighs

Mary had another skirt

It was slit right up the front

But she never wore that one!

Edited March 1, 2015 by WhackyWill

[GMballistic]

I changed all my passwords to "incorrect".

 

 

 

So whenever I forget, it will tell me; "your password is incorrect".

[Rock_Steady]

Woman: "I'm not interested in casual sex."

Man: "Alright, I'll keep my tie on."

Edited March 5, 2015 by Rock_Steady

[Rock_Steady]

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

[WhackyWill]

Two policemen (Constable Ken and Bob) call the station on the radio.

"Hello. Is that the Sarge?"

"Yes?"

"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping

on the floor she had just mopped clean."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"No sir. We can't - the floor is still wet."

[WhackyWill]

Just joined a Tourettes Help Group .............. can't believe how Long it took to be Sworn in...

[-Bradders-]

What did amy winehouse and jeremey clarkson have in common?

 

 

they both used to be on top gear

[GMballistic]

^^

[ATTAK Z]

Saw this on PH and thought it may go down well here

 

[ianphampton]

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.

 

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

 

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

 

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

 

"You don't have one?"

 

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

 

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

 

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

 

The policeman says, "Why not?"

 

"I stole this car."

 

The officer says, "Stole it?"

 

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

 

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"

 

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

 

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.

 

Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car.

 

A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

 

The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

 

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"

 

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

 

"Murdered the owner?"

 

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

 

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

 

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

 

The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.

 

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

 

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

 

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

[GMballistic]

^^

 

Hadn't heard that one before.

[GMballistic]

My fiancee told me to go out & get something that makes her look sexy, ....I decided to get drunk.

[glrnet]

My fiancee told me to go out & get something that makes her look sexy, ....I decided to get drunk.

Now go and tell HER

[GMballistic]

My fiancee told me to go out & get something that makes her look sexy, ....I decided to get drunk.

Now go and tell HER

Now that must be a joke?!

 

...no chance. I'm not going to start doing my own washing don't you know.