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About ianphampton

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  • Birthday 18/05/1956


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  1. Nicola Sturgeon, Donald Trump, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The Devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin calls Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque. Next Donald Trump calls the U.S. and talks for 30 minutes. When he's finished the devil informs him that the cost is 6 million dollars, so Trump writes him a cheque. Finally Nicola Sturgeon gets her turn and calls Scotland for 4 hours. When she's finished, the devil informed her that there would be no charge and feel free to call Scotland anytime. Putin and Trump go ballistic and ask the devil why Nicola Sturgeon got to call Scotland free. The devil replied, "Since Nicola Sturgeon became First Minister of Scotland, the Country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
  2. At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society . "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society". After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery", asked the couple? "Because I am the artist, who painted the picture", he replied, "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch"
  3. Came across this on FB - feel free to flame me for a repost but I'd not seen it before - https://www.facebook...73691496162544/
  4. Not going to be able to make this now, really sorry folks 1. Amyzed ( + 1 passenger ) FA51 AMY 2. mopedmark (+ 1 passenger ) PF53 OUU 3. MrsNiki (+1 passenger) N6 NKX 4. Gumpy000 +1 AO54CHZ 5. 370Ad +1 (CE59 SNY) 6. Gizmogold ( +1 passenger ) (G15MO V) 7. Andy James+1 AJ07 ZZZ 8. Munton87 + 1 B15 RKM 9. Keyser + 1 - C5 CPU 10. 11. SUPRAWOOKIE (+1) LT55 BVR 12. Ridx +1 FY06GXJ 13. Apoc124 +1 MF55XFS 14. SHEZZA + 1 B9 MAS 15. Georgew (+1) S666 SLD 16. buster + mrs buster V80BSV 17. Pritchard +1 OV54 PDZ 18. C holmes +1 M9CSH 19. mrt +1 N100NCL 20. Edd20022 (+1) GU56 AZO 21. glrnet LR54 NKO 22. Chippychip123 (+1) UK04 ZED 23. Mark JZA70 MC05 YMA 24. 14N - DOL3 14N 25. Adrian@TORQEN + 1 - ADY 870D 26. Richf - RO62 EGE 27. Flex N146 NWR +1 28. Scott_f91 +1 DA59 GVP 29.steve_c123 +1 LG54 UFK 30.Rickdon (+1 passenger) MY07 ZED 31.Debsterh (+1 passenger) DL03 ZJN 32. MODO (+1 Passenger) AK03MCO 33. ZEUS (+1 passenger) oil 2130 34. davey_83 DV05AZF 35, debsterh +1 36, Lexx (+1) M211 ELD (I'll hide my Z32 in the corner) 37. Paul K (+1) K50PTK 38. Brimmerstoneboy +1 PJ53ZZZ 39. Kieran_ctr (+1 passenger) EJ53 OLA 40. Colinr10 +1 OV56 FSY 41. One-eyed-king M9XYE 42. Andy Muxlow +1 VK55KNO 43. nismoandy +1 WP06FNX 44. Humpy N12SRA 45.Justthejedi L800JUS 46.The Big Miester YX05SWZ 47. Chris Wiltshire +1 GU60YHL 48.Valy +1 FY52XLW 49. MarkSt XEZ313 50. CMW9 RJ55 TXT
  5. I tried all the chemical methods, but with the rain we get here it washes most of it away The device I find work best is the ultrasonic sound maker. You need to make sure the batteries are good and I find it helps to change the frequency & intensity every couple of weeks or they get used to it https://www.primrose...CFbYW0wodbb4FDg
  6. Stu I went for the G37 (Q60) as I loved my Zed, there's no way I'd go back to a normal coupe, there are times when you really just need to take the lid off You're only in Blackpool and I'm in Manchester, we could meet if you wanted to have a closer look
  7. Name: Bonnie Make: Dog Model: German Shepherd Age: 21 months Likes - Biscuits, nice walks in the country, biscuits, paddling in muddy puddles, biscuits, frisbee, - oh, and she likes biscuits, too Disikes - being ignored (Note the Zed emblem on her nametag)
  8. I got my winter tyres last October from Oponeo, they were the best by about 8%
  9. What it's like to be British!! • Worrying you’ve accidentally packed 3 kilos of cocaine and a dead goat as you stroll through “Nothing to declare†• Being unable to stand and leave without first saying “right†• Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best • Saying “anywhere here’s fine†when the taxi’s directly outside your front door • Being sure to start touching your bag 15 minutes before your station, so the person in the aisle seat is fully prepared for your exit • Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it’s illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand • Having someone sit next to you on the train, meaning you’ll have to eat your crisps at home • The huge sense of relief after your perfectly valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector • The horror of someone you only half know saying: “Oh I’m getting that train too†• “Sorry, is anyone sitting here?†– Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it • Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you’ve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands • Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck • Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change • Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again • Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested • Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right†• Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon • Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it • Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave • Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome†as quietly as possible • The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about • Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and instantly knowing you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake • Suddenly remembering your tea and necking it like a massive, lukewarm shot • Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink • “You’ll have to excuse the mess†– Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit • Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it • “I’m off to bed†– Translation: “I’m off to stare at my phone in another part of the house†• Mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever • Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever • Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one’ • Changing from ‘kind regards’ to just ‘regards’, to indicate that you’re rapidly reaching the end of your tether • Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing • Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak again • The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up • Filming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again





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