Joke of the day

[Flex]

Nymphomaniac Convention

 

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York.

As he settled in his seat, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He realized she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States."

 

He swallowed hard.

Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded, "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality...â€

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

 

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.

We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

 

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

[brillomaster]

sorry dude, barely a snigger from me.

[S7nny]

I'm tickled by this one!

[Flex]

sorry dude, barely a snigger from me.

 

Snicker would have been better. Spent all that time typing it in too

[Kraziekatz1]

Funniest thing I've heard all day.......but then I am stuck at home with a vomiting child and have reached the laugh or cry point

[Pritchard]

i found this more funny after i had googled Nymphomaniac

[veilside z]

Excellent

[davedutch]

Flex, brillo obviously has a different sense of humour, even my wife laughed on reading that !!!

[Payco]

I take most of you heard this the other week but for those that didn't.

I've deleted all my German friends from the contact list on my mobile phone today.Its now Hanz free !!.

Edited September 19, 2015 by Payco

[ioneabee]

A policeman pulled me over today and said ......................... "papers !!!!"

 

 

I said "scissors ............ I win !!!"

 

and off i drove

[Kraziekatz1]

Why do I feel the need to add a 'boom boom' at the end of all your jokes lol

 

Actually, thought yours was quite funny Ioneabee....might plagiarise

Edited September 27, 2015 by Kraziekatz1

[ioneabee]

a hint

 

copy from one is plagarism, copy from many is research

[Flex]

Why do I feel the need to add a 'boom boom' at the end of all your jokes lol

 

Actually, thought yours was quite funny Ioneabee....might plagiarise

 

He thinks he's Basil Brush!

[veilside z]

Basil Brush ... Showing your age there.

[Arkwright]

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of passion.

The Italian said:

"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra

virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream,

non-stop for five minutes."

The Frenchman said:

"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac

oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for

fifteen minutes straight."

The Aussie said:

That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife, y'know, all over her body

with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then

made love and I made her scream for two long hours."

The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? ....wow!

that's phenomenal. How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"

The Aussie replied ,

"I wiped my hands on the curtains."

[Ekona]

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub...

 

The doorman stops them and says "sorry, I cant let you in without a Thai."

[Stutopia]

Got a new aftershave for my birthday, it's called "Breadcrumbs"...

 

 

 

 

...the birds love it.

 

 

 

 

[zippypooz]

Confuse shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and asking them to wrap it.

[Flex]

Confuse shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and asking them to wrap it.

 

Please stop.

[G1en]

Man walks into a fish and chip shop carrying a cod under his arm.

He asks the lady behind the counter, "excuse me love, do you do fishcakes?"

"We do sir" she replies

Man says, " go on then love, do us one, its his birthday"

ðŸ‘🻠or 👎ðŸ¼

[HaydnH]

thumbs down!

Edited April 13, 2016 by HaydnH

[HaydnH]

Removed.

Edited April 13, 2016 by HaydnH

[Stutopia]

Two cannibals were eating a clown – one said to the other, 'Does he taste funny to you?'

[Flex]

I have a vritual answering service for when I'm out and about. Bearing in mind I'm an accountant, just received the following message:

 

Company Name:

Time Call Received: 1:12 pm

Message Taken

Message Details: Please Call

How did you find out about us?:

Additional Message Details (if applicable):

Said that someone previously done some sewing for her and would like to know if you could half a long scarf that she's got please.

[Payco]

My friend asked me "what rhymes with orange"? I said " no it doesn't..

Edited April 17, 2016 by Payco