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What it's like to be British


ianphampton

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What it's like to be British!!

• Worrying you’ve accidentally packed 3 kilos of cocaine and a dead goat as you stroll through “Nothing to declareâ€

 

• Being unable to stand and leave without first saying “rightâ€

 

 

• Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best

 

• Saying “anywhere here’s fine†when the taxi’s directly outside your front door

 

• Being sure to start touching your bag 15 minutes before your station, so the person in the aisle seat is fully prepared for your exit

 

• Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it’s illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand

 

• Having someone sit next to you on the train, meaning you’ll have to eat your crisps at home

 

• The huge sense of relief after your perfectly valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector

 

• The horror of someone you only half know saying: “Oh I’m getting that train tooâ€

 

• “Sorry, is anyone sitting here?†– Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it

 

• Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you’ve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands

 

• Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck

 

• Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change

 

• Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again

 

• Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested

 

• Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s rightâ€

 

• Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon

 

• Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it

 

• Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave

 

• Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome†as quietly as possible

 

• The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about

 

• Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and instantly knowing you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake

 

• Suddenly remembering your tea and necking it like a massive, lukewarm shot

 

• Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink

 

• “You’ll have to excuse the mess†– Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit

 

• Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it

 

• “I’m off to bed†– Translation: “I’m off to stare at my phone in another part of the houseâ€

 

• Mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever

 

• Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever

 

• Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one’

 

• Changing from ‘kind regards’ to just ‘regards’, to indicate that you’re rapidly reaching the end of your tether

 

• Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing

 

• Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak again

 

• The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up

 

• Filming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again

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God I do so many of those things, although this one:

 

• Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it’s illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand

 

I'm far too pro a commuter for those shenanigans, you can hold the button down before it illuminates and it will open as soon as it's ready. ;)

 

 

Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one’

 

On a similar note, does anyone else wonder how you're meant to be a gentleman with a manual/push revolving door?

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...
Filming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again

 

I did this, with loads of photos too, so now when I want to find a pic on my phone I have to browse through tons of blurry firework pics and videos! lol

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• Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak again

 

 

 

I didn't think I had a regional accent until I heard a recording of my voice :surrender:

 

Pete

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That was pretty good actually.

 

• Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one’

 

Reading this, i'd already said, nice one, cheers, ta in my mind before i got to the end as there are 3 doors like this at work that i have to go through and thats the order that i say them in! Couldn't believe it that this example used the same words as me!

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  • 3 weeks later...

  • Sorry, is anyone sitting here?†– Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it

• The horror of someone you only half know saying: “Oh I’m getting that train tooâ€

• Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested

• Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon

• Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it

 

These 5 are so true for me. They make me giggle

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  • 2 months later...

OP, you win the Internet. This is totally me, DESPITE living in Greece where absolutely zero fks are given by anybody and everyone treats each other like female genitalia (i.e. try to fk you if they can), I still have a giant stick (probably British Oak) up my ass and am anal about being ultra-correct in public.

 

Hey, at least I know myself. ;)

 

Jokes aside, this is one of the things that make us great, we respect. When you live in a foreign country for a long time, it becomes even more apparent.

Edited by Aashenfox
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There are some brilliant books around - on what its like to be British.

 

I agree much more observation of the British Culture when you spend significant time out of the country.

 

We are all slightly odd !!! A Small Island thing !!! ;)

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