GMballistic Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 (edited) A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time. I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move. The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back. Edited February 20, 2014 by GMballistic 4 Quote
GMballistic Posted February 20, 2014 Author Posted February 20, 2014 I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown. Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!" 3 Quote
WhackyWill Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 An Irishman applying for a job as a Blacksmith was asked if he had any experience shoeing horses. He said no, but he had once told a Donkey to F**k off !! :lol: 3 Quote
WhackyWill Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 I was standing at the bar in Wales and this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer. I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu ?" He says "No, why the fluck you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?" "No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little pr*ck." 1 Quote
GMballistic Posted February 23, 2014 Author Posted February 23, 2014 ^^ I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin , 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself , they've lost the plot!! A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening. Quote
WhackyWill Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of Humus and Taramasalata. It's a double dip recession. :lol: A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?" The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient..! :lol: 2 Quote
GIXXERUK Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 you're not supposed to laugh at you're own jokes :scare: 1 Quote
WhackyWill Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1999 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort". The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mum's. 5 Quote
GMballistic Posted February 24, 2014 Author Posted February 24, 2014 ^^ Liked the above ones Will. Very good. Quote
OV53 Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 As a pipefitter we have some beauties for describing the folk who are less useful.....so here goes- He's a bigger danger to pipe than rust He couldn't fit a pipe in a snowman's mouth Personally, I wouldn't employ him if he brought his own pipe. Ah thank you and guneet! Quote
GMballistic Posted February 24, 2014 Author Posted February 24, 2014 As a pipefitter we have some beauties for describing the folk who are less useful.....so here goes- He's a bigger danger to pipe than rust He couldn't fit a pipe in a snowman's mouth Personally, I wouldn't employ him if he brought his own pipe. Ah thank you and guneet! Quote
OV53 Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 As a pipefitter we have some beauties for describing the folk who are less useful.....so here goes- He's a bigger danger to pipe than rust He couldn't fit a pipe in a snowman's mouth Personally, I wouldn't employ him if he brought his own pipe. Ah thank you and guneet! They are one liners however....unlike your long winded attempts :o:o:o Quote
GMballistic Posted February 24, 2014 Author Posted February 24, 2014 As a pipefitter we have some beauties for describing the folk who are less useful.....so here goes- He's a bigger danger to pipe than rust He couldn't fit a pipe in a snowman's mouth Personally, I wouldn't employ him if he brought his own pipe. Ah thank you and guneet! They are one liners however....unlike your long winded attempts :o:o:o Maybe they're funnier if you're a pipe fitter? 2 Quote
GMballistic Posted February 24, 2014 Author Posted February 24, 2014 Yeah maybe Don't worry, think some of mine are funnier after you've had a few drinks. Quote
WhackyWill Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco. Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take. Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them. "Blow that" said Paddy "That's the last time I go lion dancing" Quote
Mudman Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 Took the new girlfriend out on a date for tea and biscuits, She liked the biscuits but wasn't keen on giving the blood Quote
Stu_2424 Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 Took the new girlfriend out on a date for tea and biscuits, She liked the biscuits but wasn't keen on giving the blood Huh? Lol Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Quote
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