Cragus Posted January 16, 2013 Share Posted January 16, 2013 Took this from the lotus board: It Can be Hard Keeping a Straight Face as a COURT REPORTER These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shi**ing me? _________________________________________ (My Favorite) ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________ (Another favorite) ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death… ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them... The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral... _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ And last: (Well OK, this is the best) ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No… ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lmc Posted January 16, 2013 Share Posted January 16, 2013 Very good Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rtbiscuit Posted January 16, 2013 Share Posted January 16, 2013 Lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glrnet Posted January 16, 2013 Share Posted January 16, 2013 The last one is excellent Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Humpy Posted January 16, 2013 Share Posted January 16, 2013 Very good lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dalos Posted January 16, 2013 Share Posted January 16, 2013 "Oral" hahaha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DoogyRev Posted January 16, 2013 Share Posted January 16, 2013 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keyser Posted January 16, 2013 Share Posted January 16, 2013 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Bounty Bar Kid Posted January 16, 2013 Share Posted January 16, 2013 Awesome! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lmc Posted January 16, 2013 Share Posted January 16, 2013 Found some more along similar lines. FUNNY ANSWERS TO QUESTIONS IN SCHOOL Prepare to pee yourself laughing!! You’ve been warned…..‎ The following questions were part of last year’s GCSE examination in Swindon, Wiltshire, U.K. These are some of the genuine answers (from 16 year olds). Q. Name the four seasons A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists Q. How is dew formed A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire Q. What causes the tides in the oceans A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election Q. What are steroids A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs Q. What happens to your body as you age A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes A. Premature death Q. What is artificial insemination A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow Q. How can you delay milk turning sour A. Keep it in the cow Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen) A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U Q. What is the fibula? A. A small lie Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean? A. Nearby Q. What is the most common form of birth control A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’ A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome Q. What is a seizure? A. A Roman Emperor. Q. What is a terminal illness A. When you are sick at the airport. Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas Q. Use the word ‘judicious’ in a sentence to show you understand its meaning A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean? A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight Q. What is a turbine? A. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Bounty Bar Kid Posted January 16, 2013 Share Posted January 16, 2013 Funny-ish but preferred the court room ones. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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