Adrian@TORQEN Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 The only person that knew I was going to propose was her high school head teacher, at her prom I did it at the microphone on the stage in front of her hundreds of colleagues. Feels like 127 years ago You're not marrying her father and she's not his possession as others have said, so it's important that she's happy and she loves you. (says the father of 2 girls ) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FiddyZed Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 If you get nervous with any sort of confrontation, rather than ask - just tell her old man about your plan (Not in a rude way). Rather than 'Can I marry your daughter?' maybe go for the - 'I'm planning on asking your daughter to marry me but I wanted to speak to you out of respect...' Do you get on with her parents? I spoke to my fiancee's dad beforehand - I get on quite well with the in-laws so it was quite a normal convo to be fair. He really appreciated it and was very thankful but as many people have said on here it all depends on the family etc etc. Good Luck! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leonk Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 (edited) "Oh, really?......... I'll just pay for the lawyer to draw up the prenup..... All I got was a bit of paper saying " sold as seen, no warranty implied or given, no refund or returns," some risk assessment forms and asked to sign a liability waiver. On a serious note, as others have said just go with what you think is best, and good luck. Edited September 9, 2016 by leonk 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FiddyZed Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 All I got was a bit of paper saying " sold as seen, no warranty implied or given, no refund or returns," some risk assessment forms and asked to sign a liability waiver. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sipar69 Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 (edited) I don't get why you wouldn't ask the mum if you were going to ask anyone. She did the whole carrying around the extra weight, back pain, no booze, morning sickness, potentially agonising birth thing. I reckon if anyone has a right to a say it's her! Edited September 9, 2016 by sipar69 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brillomaster Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 well that's the thing, you only ask the father cos he's the male figure, head of the household, etc etc. because the whole tradition stems from when women were second rate and you had to ask about things man to man. The mother wouldn't get a look in. <19thcentury>in fact why bother asking the bride to be at all, say you've already spoken to her father and he says its ok, so we're getting married! after all, women can't be trusted to come to decisions on their own, father knows best. </19thcentury> 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leonk Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 I don't get why you wouldn't ask the mum........ Nooooooo! That's the last person you want to involve. Next thing you know she's taken over the wedding. It won't stop there, she'll be round every day telling you what colour curtains, bedding and sofa you should have, new kitchen, new bathroom. Nip it in the bud before it starts 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zeezeebaba Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 If anyone asks me if they can marry my daughter I'm going to wind them up a little bit first If they don't ask that's fine as long as my daughter is happy then I'm happy. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jimboy2 Posted September 9, 2016 Author Share Posted September 9, 2016 Thanks for all the replies everyone. I put the same post up on another forum I'm on which mainly has middle age women on it. The amount of replies I got saying that they would be offended if they heard their SO ask their father was amazing! Saying that their father doesn't own them and it's nothing to do with them. Was quite funny. What I think I will do is tell him I'm proposing. I don't need permission, if he was to say no I would still do it. If I do it its probably going to be tomorrow as I have heard we are meeting them at revival! Lots of nervous poo's tonight! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chirag1988 Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 When I was planning on proposing I spoke to both mother and father separately. It was more of a conversation rather than asking, as I think it shows more confidence and assurance that you feel you're doing the right thing and puts them at ease too. They both appreciated me speaking to them about it though. Her mum's first words were "Are you sure?" and her dad was the teary one! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rabbitstew Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 you only ask the father cos he's the male figure, head of the household, etc etc. because the whole tradition stems from when women were second rate and you had to ask about things man to man. The mother wouldn't get a look in. <19thcentury>in fact why bother asking the bride to be at all, say you've already spoken to her father and he says its ok, so we're getting married! after all, women can't be trusted to come to decisions on their own, father knows best. </19thcentury> Sigh, I wish. That would be the life. If the man was in charge still, id be able to stop cleaning the house and actually be able to have time to myself to persue my hobbies. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rabbitstew Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 and her dad was the teary one! Aha! I noticed that too. Both dads were crying at my wedding but the mothers were fine, which was quite funny. My missus`s dad was probably crying with relief mind you. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fodder Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 (edited) Thanks for all the replies everyone. I put the same post up on another forum I'm on which mainly has middle age women on it. The amount of replies I got saying that they would be offended if they heard their SO ask their father was amazing! Saying that their father doesn't own them and it's nothing to do with them. Was quite funny. What I think I will do is tell him I'm proposing. I don't need permission, if he was to say no I would still do it. If I do it its probably going to be tomorrow as I have heard we are meeting them at revival! Lots of nervous poo's tonight! You didn't post on mums net did you? :lol:: Edited September 9, 2016 by Fodder 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jimboy2 Posted September 9, 2016 Author Share Posted September 9, 2016 Thanks for all the replies everyone. I put the same post up on another forum I'm on which mainly has middle age women on it. The amount of replies I got saying that they would be offended if they heard their SO ask their father was amazing! Saying that their father doesn't own them and it's nothing to do with them. Was quite funny. What I think I will do is tell him I'm proposing. I don't need permission, if he was to say no I would still do it. If I do it its probably going to be tomorrow as I have heard we are meeting them at revival! Lots of nervous poo's tonight! You didn't post on mums net did you? :lol:: It's honestly not far off lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coldel Posted September 11, 2016 Share Posted September 11, 2016 Reading this, its interesting on reflection thinking back I didn't actually ask for permission I rang up and informed them I was going to ask her - but given I know her parents thought I am great etc. it was a safe call to make. In terms of people thinking its 'old fashioned' I think its a bit way off the mark, really it depends on what you deem important I think. Getting married is actually an old fashioned concept. Giving a diamond ring is old fashioned (although the idea it has to be worth 3 months wages isn't - thanks De Beers marketing department for that one). Getting married in a church is an old fashioned notion. The guy even asking is old fashioned in its idea it has to be the guy who asks. You could go on and on. The whole process is old fashioned, but really I think you take on board and do whats important for you I think. For me, speaking to her dad was a good thing to do and on my list of values. But to call it 'old fashioned' when everything else you are doing in the process is old fashioned is just a bit naive imho. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sargara Posted September 11, 2016 Share Posted September 11, 2016 (edited) Unless your future wife still lives at home with her parents then I'm siper69 on this, do not ask permission. In my mind it comes across quite insulting to your partner as if they aren't trusted to make their own decision without their parents approval "lets just check what your daddy thinks". My wife's from Ukraine and her family still live over there (and her dad doesnt speak English) so i avoided the whole thing regardless, win win Edited September 11, 2016 by Sargara 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FiddyZed Posted September 11, 2016 Share Posted September 11, 2016 Thanks for all the replies everyone. I put the same post up on another forum I'm on which mainly has middle age women on it. The amount of replies I got saying that they would be offended if they heard their SO ask their father was amazing! Saying that their father doesn't own them and it's nothing to do with them. Was quite funny. What I think I will do is tell him I'm proposing. I don't need permission, if he was to say no I would still do it. If I do it its probably going to be tomorrow as I have heard we are meeting them at revival! Lots of nervous poo's tonight! How did it go Jimboy? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sipar69 Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 The issue isn't whether the act of marriage is old fashioned, it's what asking 'permission' (which is what the OP asked about) implies about the status of the woman. The same could be said of a father 'giving away' his daughter. Of course marriage has been around a long time in one form or another for centuries, but it's evolved with the times in many respects. If both parties are fine with it and see it as a harmless tradition no problem, but anyone who doesn't recognise that it could be offensive to some women is showing a worrying lack of insight (which doesn't bode well for a happy marriage). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rock_Steady Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 When i asked my father-in-law for his daughter hand in marriage, he said " bloody hell...... are you sure?" 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coldel Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 The issue isn't whether the act of marriage is old fashioned, it's what asking 'permission' (which is what the OP asked about) implies about the status of the woman. The same could be said of a father 'giving away' his daughter. Of course marriage has been around a long time in one form or another for centuries, but it's evolved with the times in many respects. If both parties are fine with it and see it as a harmless tradition no problem, but anyone who doesn't recognise that it could be offensive to some women is showing a worrying lack of insight (which doesn't bode well for a happy marriage). Exactly play each part of the whole process on its merits and whats important to you and your prospective partner. My wife is a very independent person who set off and traveled and worked around the world at the age of 18 but she appreciates that I did it because her Dad would have appreciated it and he did. She is adult enough not to get 'insulted' by the idea I did it, clearly I had to do it without checking in with her first but I knew her and her father well enough to know that was the right thing to do. I think most women I know of various ages are grown up enough not to get insulted by something like that. I think what is even less insightful is not realising that this applies to the whole process, from buying a ring, asking, venues, who you invite, even what things are said at the ceremony. Its all old fashioned and out of date. But just do what works for you and the people who you deem important. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
docwra Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 If asking for permission is old fashioned, is expecting the brides parents to pay for most of the wedding old fashioned too? If so, Id rather be old fashioned than skint 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WINKJ Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 just say "X (daddy), I am going to ask X (girl) to marry me" ... pause for reaction, end of. You're not asking for permission and you're still doing the respectful thing by giving her dad the heads up 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sipar69 Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 (edited) That's informing though bud, not asking. I've asked three different women I know about ths topic (including my own partner) and they've all said they don't like the idea of a father giving "permission", which is what the OP posted about. Docrwa's point about payment is a good one - if parents are going to be expected to pay then it seems totally reasonable for them to be at least informed etc. Edited September 12, 2016 by sipar69 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StevoD Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 something to think about Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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