nurrish Posted January 5, 2010 Share Posted January 5, 2010 How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry It! What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side. Wha t are the three fastest means of communication? 1) Television 2) Telephone 3) Telawoman How are fat girls and mopeds alike? They're both fun to ride until your friends find out. What should you give a woman who has everything? A man to show her how to work it. Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist? Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it. Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up? Because they don't have balls to scratch. Why did God create woman ? To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet. Why do women fake orgasms ? Because they think men care. What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing, she's been told twice already. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? Made her chain too long How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...' How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%... It's called a Wedding Cake. Why do men die before their wives? They want to. Women will never be equal to men.. until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narcotix Posted January 5, 2010 Share Posted January 5, 2010 This ones my favourite ... What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing, she's been told twice already. Hahahaha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ian Posted January 5, 2010 Share Posted January 5, 2010 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maccaman Posted January 5, 2010 Share Posted January 5, 2010 Oh god Dave, just when you were so close to seeing your project to completion. Don't worry the lads will look after it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UNABASHED Posted January 5, 2010 Share Posted January 5, 2010 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nixy Posted January 5, 2010 Share Posted January 5, 2010 Nurrish, i'm SURE they were ALL covered in the long gone success of marriage post................ However: You're still guaranteed a slap so its all good! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nurrish Posted January 5, 2010 Author Share Posted January 5, 2010 However: You're still guaranteed a slap so its all good! Only if you call me zed man whilst performing that slap Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nixy Posted January 5, 2010 Share Posted January 5, 2010 No problem zed man! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nurrish Posted January 5, 2010 Author Share Posted January 5, 2010 No problem zed man! Then we got our selves a deal Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jim Posted January 6, 2010 Share Posted January 6, 2010 I think this one might also qualify for a slap....... A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep things from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates. A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat." He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
givememorepower Posted January 6, 2010 Share Posted January 6, 2010 What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told #class# Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nixy Posted January 6, 2010 Share Posted January 6, 2010 I think this one might also qualify for a slap....... A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep things from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates. A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat." He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself." that was a good one! What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?A woman who won't do what she's told #class# that deserves a slap just for being so rubbish! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
givememorepower Posted January 6, 2010 Share Posted January 6, 2010 Some girls enjoy a good hard slap. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dblock Posted January 10, 2010 Share Posted January 10, 2010 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ikarus Posted January 10, 2010 Share Posted January 10, 2010 Good thread, dangerous but good Not sure about this one though: Women will never be equal to men..until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. Take a look around, we have the 'ladette' culture to thank for this actually becoming real. I mostly blame Lilly allen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobD7 Posted January 10, 2010 Share Posted January 10, 2010 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HEADPHONES Posted October 9, 2011 Share Posted October 9, 2011 The wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that help you get an erection........you should have seen her face when I tossed her some slimming pills! The wife and I walked passed a swanky new restaurant last night. "Did you smell that food, it smelt incredible!" she said. Being the nice guy I am, I thought "sod it, I'll treat her." so we walked past it again. We did go out for a meal though, and whilst the wife was in the toilet, the waiter asked "and what will the lovely lady be having?"...."I don't know" I replied, "probably a sh$t" The wife had a near death experience the other day....silly cow thought she could Hoover while the football was on! Why were hurricanes normally named after women........because when they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them. ....and finally What do you do with 365 used condoms.....melt them down, make a tyre and call it a Goodyear Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vik54 Posted October 9, 2011 Share Posted October 9, 2011 ....and finallyWhat do you do with 365 used condoms.....melt them down, make a tyre and call it a Goodyear That's quite funny for a bloke the rest were all covered in here http://www.350z-uk.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=141&t=26650 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HEADPHONES Posted October 9, 2011 Share Posted October 9, 2011 Ahhh....the infamous SUCCESS OF MARRIAGE thread. I thought that thread got banished and vapourised never to be seen again. Not sure the mods would like to see that resurrected but it sure did make me chuckle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vik54 Posted October 9, 2011 Share Posted October 9, 2011 Is fine it is in the Green room - folks are free to post on it anytime Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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