Toon Chris

Big Phil won't fit it for you?

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school. 1977 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates. 2007 - Police are called, Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, ASBOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites. Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students. 1977 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given 6 of the best. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again. 2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school. Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him the slipper. 1977 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman. 2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion. Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school . 1977 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area. 2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons. Scenario: Mohammed fails high school English. 1977 - Mohammed retakes his exam, passes and goes to college. 2007 - Mohammed's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Mohammed is given his qualification anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English. Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill. 1977 - Ants die. 2007 - MI5 and police are called and Johnny is charged with perpertrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again. Scenario: Johnny falls during break and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him. 1977 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing. 2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay.

Subject: SCOTTISH MODERN MATHEMATICS PAPER 2007 GLASGOW REGION Name........................................... Nickname..................................... Gangname............................ 1. Shuggie has bought half a kilo of cocaine to sell. He wants to make 300% on the deal and still pay Mad Malky his 10% protection money. How much must he charge for a gram? 2. Wee Davie reckons he'll get £42.50 extra Marriage Allowance a week if he ties the knot with Fat Alice. Even if he steals the ring, the wedding will cost him £587. And he'll have to start buying two fish suppers at £3.95 each every night instead of one. How long will it be before Davie wishes he'd stayed single? 3. When Rangers play Celtic, their fans sing The Sash every 10 minutes when they're winning and every 15 minutes when they're losing. How many times did they sing it at last season's Cup Final? 4. Joey and Davie stole a 1999 green Toyota 1600GL with 35,000 on the clock - and got a grand for it. How much more would they have got if it had been metallic silver, done 29,000 miles and had low profile tyres? 5. Jake the Flake and Fingers got grassed up for dealing speed. The Flake got 18 months but Fingers got 3 years. How many more previous convictions did Fingers have? EXTRA CREDIT: Who was Fingers' Brief? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -------------------------------------------------------------------- EDINBURGH / BORDERS REGION Name......................................... Rugby Club........................................... Daddy's Company........................................... ..... 1. Struan has a spare ticket for Julian Clary at The Festival Fringe. But Benji and Adrian BOTH want to go with him. How long does he cry before giving them the tickets? 2. Half of Peter's friends say that they went to school with Ewan McGregor. Another third say they were Gordon Brown's flat mate at University. A sixth say that their dad played rugby with Tony Blair's dad and the rest say Sean Connery was their milkman. Only one is telling the truth, so how many friends does Peter have? 3. Todd wants to be a lawyer, but is as thick as Edinburgh Castle . His daddy is a Freemason and a QC. How long before Todd becomes the Lord Advocate? 4. Tamsin's Personal Trainer charges £250 a week, but has sex with her whenever she wants it. Jasmin's Life Coach charges £50 a week but has refused all sexual advances. Which one of the women weighs 19 stone? 5. Princes Street is 2467 yards long. On average, there is someone begging for money every 195 yards. You walk at 3.1 miles an hour. How long will it take if you tell them all to sod off and work for a living? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -------------------------------------------------------------------- HIGHLANDS REGION Name.................................. Glen............................. Clan ........................................ 1. After Hector's death, Archie has to pay Death Duty on Glenbogle. With 25,000 acres, Archie must pay £1.76 for the first 15,000 acres and 90p per acre for the remainder, including VAT. How many people actually give a t0ss? 2. An Afro-American called Zachary Obisanjo Kokobobo asks a Tartan Shop in Inverness if he has any Scottish Geneaology. How long does it take to flog him full Highland dress and matching kilts for his wife and 10 kids? 3. If an Aberdeen supporter laid every sheep in Grampian Region end to end, how many people would be surprised? 4. If you caught a Loch Ness Monster 115 feet long and each foot weighed 27lbs, how much money would you make by selling your exclusive story and pictures? Sorry, question 5 has been delayed by heavy snowfall and will be here as soon as the Cockbridge - Tomintoul road re-opens in the spring!

Can't see these

Looking forward to some Cosworth figures, although one change at a time please i.e. dyno with the new cats and then dyno with the only change being the Cosworth Plenum. I think we are all keen to see if the Cosworth is more than just a pretty lump of metal

Nice and simple, not a bad site at all. However, for me it should be WeddingNot as I've been engaged for 6 years now and not quite got as far as the alter yet

QUESTION: How do you tell the difference between a UK Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer? ANSWER: Pose the following question - You're down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? UK Police Officer: Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he would be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-9-9? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behaviour. If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, Do I get blamed when he falls over running away, knocks his head and kills himself? If I shoot him, and lose the court case does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and will I lose my family home? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Australian Police Officer: BANG! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- American Police Officer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click... (sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click. Daughter: "Nice grouping dad, were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"

Ok so it's a bit crap... Hang on, I`ll post another!

So that is a standard aerial ??

Exhaust is £795 Pleased you like it Alex. Fitted ? Is that an order? Well not quite, but my warranty runs out end of March Despite your sage advice the Nismo is a little muted for my taste.

Exhaust is £795 Pleased you like it Alex. Fitted ?

Nice noise. Slightly understated but quality Shame about the rest of the sheep in the video getting in the way.

V Nice! That is the same long ariel as on my car, is that a standard one? So many people have stubbies that I can't work out if mine is aftermarket or the genuine thing?

Nice May I ask how much the exhaust was at Phil's? I saw one there the other day and was worried that the pipes could look a bit too big, but on the car it looks excellent

A Man walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then, the gator will close his mouth for one minute. Then, he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his 'parts' in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up.......... "I'll try it. Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"

Mine is pock-marked all over. I agree that I haven't had a car that suffers from pits quite like this, but then maybe the speed that you drive is the main factor

I`ve used a spreadsheet for years on my cars. They are very helpful in working out the running costs and remembering how many miles your tyres do, and what you paid for things last time, etc, etc.

Your kiddin are'nt ya - you dont see Zed's anywhere not even in Nissan showrooms or car parks! True All the ones for sale seem to be grey though.

Prefer the sunset really. Grey is everywhere...

Sounds great, but I`m sure to forget as it is ages away. Please repost in April

They do! And liquorice and jam and sweeties. I've seen the advert

Hmm. Maybe a bit 'fast and furious' for my taste but I`m sure you will sell a fair few

Check some other threads from today, you just missed one on ebay! Looks like £30 is about the cost at the mo

Faster gearchanges! Is a short-shifter a good idea with a lighter flywheel?

Tyre Spot - good fellas, I go there for my tyres. I've an 04 Azure Blue, very shiny for 5 minutes yesterday after polishing, then a bird cacked on it and the heavens opened A numerically challenged body? Are you puny, 12 or both