nixy

Liam you weird stalker! Go to the RSPCA and adopt a real dog!

I quite fancy getting that on mine as well - it's rubbish being the quiet one at meets!

That's just sick................

The 'borrow me' bit irritated me ........... Cats are great for that - mine would have it in seconds, BUT as most cat people know, the cat would be so scared in a strangers house to start off with it would be useless. Funny though! She needs a humane mousetrap with a lump of chocolate in it!

Very funny! I did like the films though................

seasonal jokes only though Sardine!

Thats the problem with seasonal jokes! Although maybe some of the *ahem...* younger viewers won't have seen them.........

I stopped for a costa on the way in and now i feel so much better.............My office is lovely and quiet today, it's white and frosty outside with blue sky and ITS FRIDAY!!!!! (this is about to be shattered when Mr Manic the unorganised walks in.............)

eat it all in turn!

Boys!

Three binmen were doing their Xmas rounds and collecting their well earned ‘xmas boxes’ from the grateful householders (grateful that they didn’t tip the bins across the drive!) when they arrived at a pleasant house at the end of a cul-de-sac. First binman goes up to the door to be met by the lady of the house in ‘revealing attire’ “Oh yes, I know what you want!†She says and drags him upstairs to the bedroom to have her wicked way with him. He returns bedraggled to the lorry and tells his mate. His mate thinks he’ll have some of that, goes to the house, once again she appears in even more ‘revealing attire’ “Oh yes, I know what you want!†She says and drags him upstairs to the bedroom to have her wicked way with him as well. He returns bedraggled to the lorry and tells the driver. Hmmm I’ll have a bit of that thinks the driver and walks up to the house, The lady opens the door and gives him a fiver, “Oi†he says, “What about the ‘fun and games’ you gave my matesâ€. “Oh that†she says “you’ll have to blame my husband for that†“what’s he got to do with it?†says the driver . . “Well, he said to give a fiver to the driver and **** the other twoâ€

laughing at davids14's sig as well - I'm aries.............sounds bad!

people that are not as organised as me sneaking over to my desk and nicking my envelopes and other stuff that i've bothered to go to the depths of the stationery cupboard for but they can't be arsed.............. having an office with a very thin wall between me and the saniflow maccerator..........you can hear it chewing after a guy has been in there.............

i avoided those two on purpose!

Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan Dear Susan, Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words, Jim Beam. Santa deer santa: I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Frend, BiLLy Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care.. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! Santa Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid, fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family with those? Santa Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. Santa Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas Dear Thomas, All the toys are made by little kids like you in China . Every year I give them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Santa P.S. Tell your mom she got the part. Long Dong Claus Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy Timmy, That whiney begging crap may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting an ugly sweater again. Santa Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home? Love, Marky Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent, ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams, Santa

i preferred your first version of that joke - FAR superior...........

Do you know what would have happened if it had been three Wise Women instead of three Wise Men? They would have asked directions, Arrived on time, Helped deliver the baby, Cleaned the stable, Brought practical gifts. And made a casserole But do you know what they would have said as they were leaving. As they left they would have said. “Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gownâ€. “The baby doesn’t even look a bit like Josephâ€. “Can you believe they let all those disgusting animals in thereâ€. “And that donkey that they’re riding has seen better days tooâ€. “I heard that Joseph isn’t working right nowâ€. “Want to bet how long it will take before we get the casserole dish backâ€. “Virgin my ass I knew her in schoolâ€

Think Lexx was probably referring to them being on a white car.

Add to that that I usually pull the short straw to be on said working party and end up having to travel from Yorkshire to Millbank in London to talk about 'paperclips'......... Or worse still the dreaded video conference where i try to hide out of camera shot!

i have your January pic up in my office now Lexx - wasn't fond of december...........

1. working with someone that although is a lovely girl will not SHUT UP and when i try to subtley ignore says "eh nicola? eh nicola? eh nicola?" 2. being the only person who doesn't sit near a radiator but everyone else insists on opening the windows when its minus 10 degrees in here. 3. We have to get a working party together and have meetings to arrange when we are having meetings........this is usually to decide if we should change the type of paperclips we use or something equally important.

i got one from dealer. can't remember how much but was defo no more than a tenner.

is this the BOGOF section?

In the big cubby in the little place under the bottom of it that is a secret............shhhhhhh