I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to  
arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.  
  
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah,  I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".  
  
I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?".   
She said "How flexible are you?".  I said  "I can't make Tuesdays".  
  
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk  
about cleaning your carpets?". I thought  
"That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".