rich5259

brilliant Nixy

Ingredients: 1 cup of water 1 tsp baking soda 1 cup of sugar 1 tsp salt 1 cup of brown sugar lemon juice 4 large eggs nuts 1 bottle Johnnie Walker 2 cups of dried fruit Sample the Johnnie Walker to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. Make sure the whisky is still OK. Try another cup. Turn off the mixerer. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a rewscriver. Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Whogiveshz a @*!#. Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or something. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven and **** in the fridge. Turn the cake tin 350 defrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl through the f***ing window. Check the whisky again and go to bed.

FADE IN: INT. SPACESHIP LIAM NEESON It is vitally important we enter trade negotiations with the federation. EWAN MCGREGOR I agree. This one planet and how it trades with other planets is certainly an important enough topic to be the entire plot of a Star Wars film. INT. SPACESHIP - MAIN DECK EVIL ALIEN Werr. What wirr we do now? My evil, obviousry Asian race must prevair. I wirr not face de Jedi. Send de droid. INT. SPACESHIP - BACK TO THE JEDI A droid enters. LIAM NEESON I sense a disturbance in the force. EWAN MCGREGOR Well, @*!#. Suddenly, numerous pieces of CGI enter and begin attacking the Jedi. The Jedi use the high concentration of midichlorians in their bodies to use the force to destroy the CGI. They run outside. EXT. NABOO They run until they smack into some more CGI. JAR JAR Who might you be? LIAM NEESON (staring in the general direction of Jar Jar, but not really staring at him) I am a Jedi. There are bad things coming. Take me to your homeland. JAR JAR I see. That is quite interesting. I will guide you to the land from which I have come. Suddenly, GEORGE LUCAS realizes the Jar Jar toys aren't selling well enough. JAR JAR (cont'd) Oh! Meesa sorry! Meesa ment to saysa: Weesa can go back to Jamaica mon, okeyday? EWAN MCGREGOR (staring at something right above Jar Jar) Good. Do you have a hotel room for me and Liam? We have..uh..Jedi business to attend to. JAR JAR Weesa can smokesa some ganja, mon. AUDIENCE Die. Die, Jar Jar. Nobody likes you. INT. SPACESHIP - MAIN DECK The queen appears over some kind of thing which appears to be better in technology than the kinds of things in the original trilogy. NATALIE PORTMAN I am the queen. You've gone too far this time. I will tell the senate and you will be in a lot of trouble. EVIL ALIEN I'm so sorry, Amidala. NATALIE PORTMAN No, no, I'm Padme now. EVIL ALIEN I thought when in the makeup, you were the queen. NATALIE PORTMAN No, I'm whoever is playing the queen at the time. The voice changes don't help you figure this out. EVIL ALIEN Stop trying to confoose me! Droids, capture the queen.. or Padme.. er.. just capture everyone! LIAM and EWAN and, ****, JAR JAR too take NATALIE PORTMAN and other members of her staff onto a ship and they escape. They go to Tatooine. INT. TATOOINE - SOME SHOP WHERE JAKE LLOYD IS HELD SLAVE JAKE LLOYD Hi there! Golly I'm cute. NATALIE PORTMAN You certainly are, little boy. JAKE LLOYD Am I the only one disturbed by the fact that I'm gonna **** you in episode two? LIAM NEESON Jake, I need you to have a pod race so I can get the parts I need and free you. JAKE'S MOM No, I won't allow him to pod race. He'll get hurt. (pause) Ok, I will. Nevermind. Good luck. They pod race. It looks really COOL. GEORGE LUCAS (attempting subtlety) Oh! Look! There's a video game of this scene... uh.. buy it! Hey, I had to sacrifice a part of my grand vision for these movies to include a part that could be turned into a game, so buy it or I'll do it even more in episode 2. JAKE wins! He has to leave his mother, which will become very important in the next movie. He also has to leave his protocol droid, THREEPIO. AUDIENCE He built C-3PO? Why wasn't this ever mentioned in the original trilogy? GEORGE LUCAS Because I just made it up. Speaking of stuff I'm just making up, how do you like the midichlorian bullshit I pulled out of my ass? They all get into their ship and go to Coruscant. INT. CORUSCANT - JEDI COUNCIL LIAM NEESON I want to train this boy. YODA Nope. Sorry. Too old the boy is. Clouded his future seems. Vague my worries are. LIAM NEESON Well, he is the chosen one. He will bring balance to the force. I'm training him. SAMUEL L. JACKSON Yoda told you no, mutha****a. What the **** is wrong with you, bitchass? I'll ****in' kill you! I'm gonna be a ****in bad ass in the next two ****in movies, you know. My toy has a ****in lightsaber. LIAM NEESON I'm going to go over your head and train him myself, then. So there. He exits. INT. GALACTIC SENATE MEETING IAN MCDIARMID Damn I'm evil. Suddenly, we see E.T! This does not make the film HYPER-CUTESEY like Return of the Jedi, but CLEVER. EXT. NABOO NATALIE PORTMAN I am either the queen or Padme now. Regardless, your cheesy-looking race of annoying, unrealistic characters need to ally with our badly acting race of creatures so we can capture this one guy. BOSS NASS One guy? The climax of this film revolves entirely around us capturing one, pretty insignificant guy? Doesn't that make this whole thing kinda pointless? NATALIE PORTMAN Stop trying to confoose me! No more pointless than how this entire film revolves around taxes on trade and the cutting off of one, pathetic little planet half-filled with annoying creatures. They go after the bad guy or whatever. Who cares? Finally DARTH MAUL shows up for a prolonged fight sequence. Darth wears black boots, a black cloak, a black shirt, has a red lightsaber, wears red and black face paint, and has horns. He is EVIL. Meanwhile, the Naboo people go after this one insignificant guy and we really don't care. Meanwhile, the Gungans go against a bunch of droids and we really don't care except we want the Gungans to die. Meanwhile, Anakin takes off into space to join the space-battle, which is mostly over by the time he arrives. We care a little bit. INT. SOME KIND OF THINGY WITH SOME RED FORCE FIELDS MAUL, LIAM, and EWAN all have a huge lightsaber battle which has had a lot of effort put into the choreography and is thousands of times better than any other lightsaber battle in a Star Wars film. AUDIENCE Whoa! This is really cool! Suddenly, we go back to one of the other three stupid battles going on at the time. Eventually, we return to the good one. DARTH MAUL (menacing as hell) Grrr. Eventually, MAUL stabs LIAM, which is very surprising, especially to those of us who bought the film score which has a song whose title gives away the ending. He then kicks EWAN into a shaft. EWAN grabs onto something on the side and holds on for dear life. EWAN MCGREGOR Well, you certainly are an experienced fighter and there is little question you could kick pretty much anyone's ass. DARTH MAUL Muahahahaha. Slowly, EWAN uses the force to grab LIAM'S lightsaber, jump up out of the shaft, over MAUL, press the button on the saber, and slice MAUL in half while MAUL stands there like an idiot and does nothing at all. He DIES. EXT. SPACE JAKE LLOYD Whoaaaaa! I'm in space! Now this is pod racing! Yipee! Uh oh! Man, I'm so cute. JAKE goes into a hangar, where the main reactor for the ship is kept. He accidentally blows it to @*!#. JAKE LLOYD (cont'd) Uh oh! I better leave! Let's leave Artoo! Golly! They exit quickly. The ship explodes, which stops all the DROIDS and just makes everything great, because it's always enjoyable when a serious conflict is resolved with a slapstick accident. EXT. THE STREETS OF NABOO The GUNGUNS are dancing and such, still alive. A huge party ensues. AUDIENCE Wow! Watching this party and all this celebration has convinced me that the tiny, pathetic problem that has been taken care of is actually really significant! Hooray! Suddenly, the AUDIENCE realizes that behind all the mindless celebration and kiddie cartoon bullshit, what actually happened was the future-emperor has actually manipulated everything, come into great power, and that one tiny problem has actually been resolved, but thousands more have been created. GEORGE LUCAS Three years, suckers. I'd make them come out sooner, but I work very hard on my films, as I am an independent filmmaker due to my disgust with Hollywood's commercialism. Now go buy some Star Wars toys!

brilliant

can you post a video of you showing the Dawg how to do it as he's a bit slow sometimes

I think Jerry's got those now, he needs these to get a set of 4

they should do that to all the w4nkers that use the handicapped spaces because they're too lazy to walk 50 yards at the supermarket

I remember when it was 15 shillings and 6 pence a gallon thats 17p/litre

Either you had a lot more than 16miles left in the tank or it isn't full. You'd have got something like 77 or 78 litres in if it's full. However if you are only paying £1/litre please tell us where you live so we can all get cheap fuel

still only 1 bid, silly dawg

I like the way Ian's sale has a "For Sale" page and a separate comments thread. Can he ask a mod to bump the advert though? or is is stuck back on yesterday's listing?

No time to make a comment, got a video conference to attend

I like the matt white one, the chrome is just

tesco's at northampton 114.9 less 5p off shell Daventry 119.9 - because the make an offset from the price of 97RON at the local TOTAL station and not from their own 95RON

I hear it's the engine that used to be in the front of the VQ engined Micra at Silverstone

Bennett had a load of mods on his GT4 when we had the dyno day at Weston's and he was showing a big LOSS from the stock figures

we wnat the "before" photos and then you can start on the mods

Not a blue spot on any of them, so probably all have been refurbished at least once

mileage is fine, we have 1 member with well over 100,000 on the clock and several in the 80,000s

Do we need a separate thread to list the people with bad taste ?

you got a bit of a wake-up call I expect

Swine flu anyone?

Thanks for that. Is nice to get a reply from my home city. I dont think I will be trying to match your figure any time soon and I assume you were on an air field etc. C'mon u Tigers. Grrekman is one of our regular TrackDay hooligans , so you can be sure it was down the Hangar straight or somewhere similar

Glad you got the paint code. Did you call Nissan Customer Service to ask why your bought from new car has the wrong paint code in their database? BTW what does it say on your V5?