A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his Cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues.
It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything like this would happen. The realisation of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage?
He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty. Just then, an elderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked the old lady.
The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman. Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud.
One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals.The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed.
She declined his offer and walked off across the field. A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer. "You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by. "No" said the farmer "who?"
"That was Thora Hird."
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said "How bad is it, doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin, in every way". The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your Willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."
The Doctor took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together... an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room, he rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts.
She says, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these." He immediately drops his pants and replies, "Look at this... still in the CRATE!"
After her outburst on Breakfast TV, a Psychologist has denounced Heather Mills-McCartney as clearly unballanced.
Sir Paul has phoned in saying that normally a couple of beermats under her left foot does the trick!