Zazur

A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. "House", in French, is feminine- "la maison". "Pencil", in French, is masculine- "Le crayon". One puzzled student asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary. So, for fun, she split the calss into two groups appropriately enough, by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation. The men's group decided that computers should definately be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later use; 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it. The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless; 3. They are suppposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. So this blonde chick gets pulled over by a blonde female officer. The cop asks: "License and registration.." The blonde looks confused, and the cop - growing impatient, repeats: "License and registration, ma'am." The blonde still looks at the cop, puzzled. The cop then says, "You know, your license - the thing with your picture on it.." The blonde goes, "Oh!" and hands the cop a small mirror. The blonde cop looks at the mirror, and says, "Oh, why didn't you tell me you were a cop.. have a good day". Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one? You have to hollow out the head. Why won't they hire blondes as pharmacists? They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewritters. Hear about the blonde that got and AM radio? It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

That's work

I got stopped by the French police on Friday afternoon as I was driving home, they stopped me as I was coming out of the Peage Toll gates on the A8 just by the Monaco turnoff and thought here we go I have not got my V5 yet and knowing how much the froggie officals love their paperwork thought I was in for a tricky time But to my amazement all they wanted to do was have a look at the Z, so there I am giving them a quick tour round the Z and I have 6 policemen at my car and saying nice things. It appears they have not seen a Z before here which also explains why so many people also stare and point at the car over here since I drove it back last month. Haven't seen another Z since getting back here so must be quite rare over here from the look of it (they like their froggie cars over here). So Friday night I felt all evening thanks to the Z.

HATE MY JOB DAY: When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this: On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. (Be very sure you get this brand.) When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair, open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins- Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement, "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested" Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson!" HAVE A NICE DAY Sarcasm 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone. 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. 3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any. 5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 6. No one is listening until you fart. 7. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else. 8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 15. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield. 16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time. 17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. 18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 19. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. 23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 24. Never miss a good chance to shut up. 25. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass. Then things get worse. 26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." 28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. 29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11. 30. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Tell me this.. Why does a gynocologist leave the room when you get undressed? If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth? Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, "My name is Bob and I'm an alcoholic"? Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside? How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can't see them when you're in space? Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages? Why does mineral water that "has trickled through mountains for centuries" have a "use by" date? Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would ever eat? Is French kissing in France just called kissing? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out"? What do people in China call their good plates? If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but not to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? At a Senior Citizen's Luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly women struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when they came to a fork in the river and the gentleman asked the lady "Do you want to go up or down"? All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When they finished the man couldn't believe what just happened, but he'd just experienced the best sex he'd had in years. They finished for awhile and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, "Up or down"? There she went again, stripped off her clothes and made wild passionate love to him again! This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing with him the next day. She said yes, and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came to a fork in the river and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down"? The woman replied, "Down". A little puzzled and disappointed the gentleman guided the boat down the river and when they came upon another fork in the river he asked the lady, "Up or down"? She replied, "Up". This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal, yesterday everytime I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, NOTHING"! She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were f#$% or drown."

Hopefully it will be here so I can have a close look http://www.topmarquesmonaco.com/index.shtml

I can't wait to see this in the raw later this month at the "Live Super Car Show" here Sorry guys can only post pics like this http://i602.photobucket.com/albums/tt11 ... a-r-01.jpg http://i602.photobucket.com/albums/tt11 ... a-r-02.jpg http://i602.photobucket.com/albums/tt11 ... a-r-04.jpg http://i602.photobucket.com/albums/tt11 ... a-r-03.jpg And the figures

Sorry ladies

A Russian woman married an English gentleman and they lived happily ever after in London. However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, she clucked like a chicken and pulled up her skirt and pointed to her thigh. The butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs. The next day she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say it so she clucked like a chicken and unbottoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts! The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts. The 3rd day the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store................... What were you thinking??? Hellooooooooooo, her husband speaks English! Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die, just in case. This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today. A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February And March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been £0.00, now is somewhere around £60.00 A family member placed a call to Citibank: Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January." Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply." Family Member: "Maybe you should turn it over to collections." Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been." Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?" Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!" Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?" Citibank: "Excuse me?" Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the part about her being dead?" Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." Supervisor gets on the phone: Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January." Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply." Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?" Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?" Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given) Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?" Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given) After they get the fax: Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help." Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care." Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply." Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?" Citibank: "That might help." Family Member: " Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69." Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!" Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

Not sure where the 1k comes from I had an Alpine X305 with Bluetooth adaptor for my phone fitted by the dealer for £500 and my ipod and phone are all controlled via the Alpine head unit and the ipod and phone display are all visable through the Alpine screen, your problem solved

Re the "ruling body", I was told last year (bear in mind where I am based) that the prancing gang had/have had some sort of connection with the "ruling body" organisation and it could have some finacial overtones hence the strange way alot of decessions always appear to go a strange way Re the early banger race a couple of ex drivers would help on the committe to offer some consistency. If you mislead or lie to the "ruling body" then you should have to pay the penalty regardless of who you are and some teams are not exactly virgins at this, remember last year. I am not pro either team but think that if you drive or manage a good race then you should reap the rewards which ever team you are. And please for god's sake make the season worth watching for us the public or we should all turn off the sport, because if we want to see a clowns show we can go to the circus instead

I was having trouble with my computer so I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away I called after him, "So what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID 10 T error." I didn't want to sound stupid but nontheless inquired, " An ID 10 T error, what's that in case I need to fix it again?" The computer guy grinned.........." Haven't you ever heard of an ID 10 T error before?" "No", I replied. "Write it down", he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." So I wrote out ID10T. I used to like Harold. So this blonde chick gets pulled over by a blonde female officer. The cop asks: "License and registration.." The blonde looks confused, and the cop - growing impatient, repeats: "License and registration, ma'am." The blonde still looks at the cop, puzzled. The cop then says, "You know, your license - the thing with your picture on it.." The blonde goes, "Oh!" and hands the cop a small mirror. The blonde cop looks at the mirror, and says, "Oh, why didn't you tell me you were a cop.. have a good day".

Nice work, looking good

Two men are driving through Georgia when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick. "What the heck was that for?" the driver asks. "You're in Kentucky Boy" the trooper answers. "When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car." "I'm sorry, officer," the driver says, "I'm not from around here." "The trooper runs a check on the guy's license -- he's clean -- and gives the guy his license back. The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick. "What'd you do that for?" the passenger asks. "Just making your wish come true," replies the trooper. "Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asks. "Because I know," the trooper says," that two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that asshole would've tried that @*!# with me!'" A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 -year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons-of-bitches, who want off, get the hell off now... cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons-of-bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train...cause we're going down the tracks. The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train...but I want you to use nice language. Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say..."All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She heard her little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pi**ed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen...."

That's a good one

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?" The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square." The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?" "Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square." "Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently. That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet. The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure." The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!" An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. "Tray-up, Bitch."

Pioneer are still available to buy in Costco. Might be run out stock though, not sure! Panasonic are superb. I have two 4 year old LCD Vieras and neither have missed a beat at all! Pioneer G9 series if you can find one, best on the market and yes the G9 is the last Plasma from Pioneer as they will not be making them anymore

A guy pokes his head into a barber shop and asks the barber,"about how long will it be" the barber looks around for just a sec and says back to the man, "about 2hrs" the guy just leaves and dosent come back that day. A few days later same guy does the same thing, again the barber tells the man " about 2 hrs" guy leaves again. well this happens a third time, same reaction from barber as well. A week goes buy and the guy comes in again and ask same question,the barber tell him again about 1hr1/2 to 2 hrs, guy leaves. the barber is begineng to get curious about this ole boy, and ask one of his friends in the shop to follow him and see where he goes, and so he does. The barbers friend comes back a little later and the barber ask him if he seen where ole boy has been going all this time, and he says, yep sure have. and the barber says where? and his friend says............................to your house. Sorry about this one Med School First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. Go ahead and do the same thing, he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them, and told them, The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students, one by one. "Michael, if you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" He responds, "Just a minute, I have to go ****." The teacher replied, "That would be rude and impolite!" "What about you John, how would you say it?" John replied, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back." The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table." "And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?" Peter responded, "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment. I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner." The teacher fainted. Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call. The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee. "My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift." The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift." The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift. As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in. "To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay." As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portfolio."

What goes through your mind when someone says "Let's go for a drink"?