Zazur

Welcome Qas, Here's what you need and do. The oil is only available from Nissan, you need AT-Matic J Fluid, Nissan part no KE908-99932, it is sold in 1 litre bottles you need about 3 litres and the dealer has to order it. Use the drain plug under the gearbox to empty all the old oil out of the gearbox. When you come to fill it up you will find a tube with a stopper at the back of the engine just in front of the J stamped onto the bulhead. You need a 10mm spanner to remove the nut at the side and the stopper can then be removed which you will then see is a dipstick. Fill it up slowly using a funnel checking the marks on the dipstick and remember do not overfill. Start the engine and run for one min then put the gearbox through P-R-N-D-N-R-P and then switch off engine and check dipstick, fill up repeat as required. Then replace dipstick and replace bolt, job done

Cara you have just nicked my tomorrow's post so I will have to come up with something else now I guess

Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes into an Irish gas station. An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golfpro is... "Top o' the mornin to ya". As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket. "So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant. "They're called tees," replies Tiger. "And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman. "Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger. "Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims the Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything." The perfect husband Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. I can hardly hear you.........are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I'm at the shop now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure......go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2009 models. I saw one I really liked" MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "£90,000" MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .. The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000" MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It's really a pretty good price." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!" MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape. He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?!"

alarm

Sally, Nigel's looking

Last Two Letters Start Next Word, Sort of like word association Saw this somewhere else and thought it was a good idea, use the last two letters of the word in the current post to start the word on the next post. Idea is single words only So for all you post whores out there .....I'll start with: - Nissan

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well for my age." A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?" Oh no, "I replied, "I'm not doing either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No,my other doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" No, I don't," I said. He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said, "I don't do any of those things." He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a @*!# if you live to be 80?" GENTLEMEN, IT'S TIME FOR YOUR ANNUAL "AM I GAY?" SELF-EXAMINATION 1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet. 2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay - it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay. 3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably a fag. 4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or **** in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases. 5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the poop chute. Coffee is to be ha r d strong, black, and full aroma. A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim "and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a man there, too. 6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major league, NFL, NHL, college ball, PGA and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious. 7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer, or play with his honey in the passenger seat. 8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they Flame out too.

A senior citizen in Texas bought a brand new 350Z convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared down I-10. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Z and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Texas State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper. 1) Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother. __________________________________________________________ 2) How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from. __________________________________________________________ 3) What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore sleeps with everybody at the party; A bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you. __________________________________________________________ 4) What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? Spitting, swallowing, and gargling. __________________________________________________________ 5) What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry. __________________________________________________________ 6) What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. ___________________________________________________________ 7) What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during orgasm. ___________________________________________________________ 8) What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A mechanic. ___________________________________________________________ 9) Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts. ___________________________________________________________ 10) Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? The one who can eat the last donut. ___________________________________________________________ 11) Jewish dilemma: Free PORK. ___________________________________________________________ 12) The three words men hate to hear most during sex: "Are you in?" ___________________________________________________________ 13) The three words women hate to hear most during sex: "Honey, I'm home!"

Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here - try these on.' She did and said, 'These are too big I can't wear them.' I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will." Ever since that night we have never had any problems. "Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try. On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here - try these on." She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me." Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that." Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, "Here -you try on mine." He did and said, "I can't get into your pants." Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass attitude, you never will." In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind'a figured we were friends."

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Hi Matt, What Alpine unit have you got? I fitted an XDA 305 and the aerial plug lead went straight into the back of the Alpine

Found this take a look. http://www.waterboost.co.uk Ok, who brave, who's first

Funny story, and NO this is not about me. My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to "Well, I have out done myself once again." No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near future. Here goes... Last weekend I spied something at the pawn shop that tickled my fancy.(Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for my wife. The occasion was our 18th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggley-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop! Yipeeeeee! I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to her what that burn spot on the face of her microwave is. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my dog looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the dog) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. He is such a sweet pup, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? It seemed reasonable to me at the time. So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Taser in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device(measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "No friggin' way!" Friggin' way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, the dog looking on with his head cocked to one side as to say, "Don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always 20-20. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya just hate that?) I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY*********! DAaaaaaaaaaaaaMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. The dog was standing over me making sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to himself, "Do it again, do it again!" (NOTE: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Taser, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep into your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My glasses were on the TV across the room. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em; sure would like to get 'em back. Never Touching the Taser Again!

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton. One smart-ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report: Titanic:......$29.99 Clinton:..... $29.99 Titanic:...... Over 3 hours to read Clinton:..... Over 3 hours to read Titanic:...... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Clinton:..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist. Clinton:..... Bill is a bullshit artist. Titanic:..... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar. Clinton:..... Ditto for Bill. Titanic:..... During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica. Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit. Clinton:..... Let's not go there. Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry. Clinton:..... Monica's forced to return her gifts. Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life. Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack. Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen. Clinton:..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either. Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death. Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing. Five surgeons are discussing who are the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.

Hi Cara, Looks like LITTLE RALPHY and Brooklyn Tony went to the same class viewtopic.php?f=29&t=21638

0.213 ms Tried again and only 0.293

Seem to be a lot more cars at the show this year than last year no accounting for taste I guess