Zazur

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learned." So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money To fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!" The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt. I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?!" The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?" The boy pondered the answers for a few days, and then went back to his Dad. His father asked him, "So did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars.... but realistically, .....we're living with two sluts and a queer." Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy? "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your ****ing cat."

+1 But a lot of stuff i would not be seen dead in I knew you swung more towards this......

Jewish Christmas As a teacher, Ms. Jones, was very curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas. She called on young Patrick Murphy. Tell me Patrick what do you do at Christmas time? she asked. Patrick addressed the class, Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to the midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys. Very nice Patrick, she said. Now Jimmy Brown what do you do at Christmas? Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to Church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents. Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas? Isaac said, Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing What a Friend We Have in Jesus. Then we all go to the Bahamas. One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried! to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway. It just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off! ! Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake the dirt off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up. Remember the five simple rules to being happy: 1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive. 2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen. 3. Live simply and appreciate what you have. 4. Give more. 5. Expect less NOW -------- Enough of that crap . . The donkey later came back, and bit the @*!# out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock. MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON: When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

Pictures from Monaco's Live Supercar Show "Top Marques" The following 7 photos are some of the cars you can drive around Monaco at the show No that is not rain you can see in these photos it is LIQUID SUNSHINE Now inside the show MANSORY CONVERSIONS (GERMANY) GIUGIARO QUARANTA (ITALY) PAGANI ZONDA R (ITALY) KOENIGSEGG QUANT-solar car (SWEDEN) TRAMONTANA R (SPAIN) GUMPERT SPORTWAGENMANUFAKTUR (GERMAN) RONN MOTOR COMPANY (USA) PPI AUTOMTIVE DESIGN (GERMAN) SAVAGE (HOLLAND) DARTZ EU (LATVIA) HOLLISTER'S MOTORCYCLES (GERMAN) RUF AUTOMOBILE (GERMAN)

Don't know if you guy's have heard Brawn,Williams etc have been cleared today by the FIA, the diffuser has been declared legal for the 2009 season so all points stand and now the others teams have to stop bitchin and start playing catch-up At last the FIA do something right

Thanks for your kind comments

The Lone Ranger was captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are The Great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But before I kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your first request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in his ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I still must kill you in two days. What is your second request? The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous redhead, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents," he says, "but I still must kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse,.... ALONE!" The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says..."Listen very carefully ..for... the....last....time, I said..... BRING POSSE" International Rules of Manhood 01: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella 02: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances: a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master. b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse. c. After wrecking your boss' car. d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game". e. When she is using her teeth. 03: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies. 04: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. 05: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her. 06: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable. 07: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. 08: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest. 09: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. 10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend. 11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel ..and it's free. 12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts. 13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. 14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. 15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything. 16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers. 17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. 18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy. 19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer. 20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response. 21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights: a. Yeah, Baby, Push it! b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c. Another set and we can hit the showers! 22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. 23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary. 24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs. 25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours. 26: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue. 27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story. 28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

Advice from Grandma My long-passed grandmother's birthday is coming up, and for me it is time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives, the special trips she would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with her, and the advice she used to give! Much was wasted because I was young when she died. If she were alive today and sharing her pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man. Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, came when I was only 12. We were sitting in a park, watching children and their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. She told me that one day, I'd find a great woman and start my own family. "And son, remember this always," she said, "be sure you marry a woman with small hands." "How come, Grandma?" I asked her. She answered in her soft voice... "makes your pecker look bigger." Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it? Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus and the blonde team rides on the top level. The brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate. When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them. They all had white knuckles. She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!" One of the blondes looks up and says to her, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!" A BLONDE'S YEAR IN REVIEW January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight. February - Couldn't work in a pharmacy because the bottles wouldn't fit into the typewriter. March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because the box said "2-4 years." April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out. May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets. June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope. July - After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained to the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms. August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the top was down. September - When asked what the capital of California was: answered "C." October - Hates M & M's because they are so hard to peel. November - Baked a turkey for 4 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 120. December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any phone button.

Stop scaring your poor car so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BBC 3 are showing it BUT not tonight's retry Great Do you know when? On Sunday's BBC 3 the race is shown live or you can watch it on Eurosport Website I think but not on Beeb 3 tonight

You guy's might be right about not leaving on overnight but did not have time to remove last night. Removed today all ok but in my opinion not worth the money the AutoGlym Liquid Wax seems the same and cheaper but don't known how many washes the new wax will last.

BBC 3 are showing it BUT not tonight's retry

A lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Dakota. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the best trial attorneys in California and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Dakota. We settle small disagreements like this with the North Dakota Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What's that?" The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn." [i love this part.....] The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck." A Love Poem I will seek and find you I shall take you to bed and have my way with you . I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan. I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop. I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you. And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days. All my love, The Flu Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot Brooklyn Tony ON MATH The teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on Brooklyn Tony. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then Brooklyn Tony says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Brooklyn Tony replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking." Brooklyn Tony ON MATH (#2) Brooklyn Tony returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father. The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,' I said '6,'" replies Tony. "But that's right!" says his dad. "Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2". "What's the ****ing difference ?" asks the father. "That's what I said!" Brooklyn Tony ON ENGLISH Brooklyn Tony goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Tony says "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Brooklyn Tony, that's a mouthful." Little Tony says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob." Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR Brooklyn Tony was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a ****!" The teacher replied, "Now, Tony, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'. Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Brooklyn Tony, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!" Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully." She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on Brooklyn Tony. "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f*ck1ng beautiful!' " Brooklyn Tony ON GETTING OLDER Brooklyn Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Brooklyn Tony replied, "You know, my grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Brooklyn Tony answered, "No, he minded his own f*ck1ng business."

I have just put on the AutoGlym Wax that comes in the round container, will leave it on over night and take it off tomorror. Will let you guys know if it's any good

I like the wheels. I think blacked out windows would good on the car to go with the wheels

The ending to the Cinderella Story............ Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fullfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an explempary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly her rocking chair turned to solid gold. "Ohhh, thank you Fairy Godmother!" The fairy godmother replied, " it is the least I can do. What do you want for your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had." At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years. And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?" Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man." Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen. The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered.......... (Scroll down. . . . ) wait for it............................... here it comes................................ "Bet you're sorry you neutered me." A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store > >on a regular basis and would like some more. "I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any" "But I always buy it here," says the blonde "Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.. "YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant" Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container "To apply, push up bottom" Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week, I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year and I had yet to pay for them. Boy, oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year... that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up, and he hasn't called back. Guess he felt really stupid, huh? Apples and Wine Women... Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground, which aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable, to have dinner with.

Testing Your IQ Everybody...Are you clever..? I am going to ask you three questions. And you have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time you have to answer immediately. O.K.? Let's find just how clever you really are........ Ready? GO !!!!! First Question: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second. What position do you finish? NOW! See the answer below.. Answer: If you answer that you arrived first, then you are absolutely wrong!!! Cause you overtake the second and you take his place so you arrived second!!! !! To answer the second question don't take as much time as you took for the first question. Second Question: If you overtake the last then you arrive...? Answer: If you answer that you arrived second last then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST !!!! The question is wrong! You're not very good at this are you??? Third Question Subject: *Very very Tricky maths! Note: This riddle must be done IN YOUR HEAD ONLY and NOT using paper and a pen. Try it. Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total? (scroll down for answer) Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! The decimal sequence confuses our brain, that always jumps to the highest decimals (100s instead of 10s). That should have you in a bad mood for the rest of the day!!! U ARE THE WEAKEST LINK-GOODBYE!!!

Try this http://www.smwa.net/downloads/funny/rake_bush4.swf

I Need A Raise! I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: * I do physical labour * I work at great depths * I work head first * I do not get RDO's, weekends off or public holidays * I work in a damp environment * I don't get paid overtime or shift penalties * I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation * I work in high temperatures * My work exposes me to contagious diseases Response from the administration: After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: * You do not work 8 hours straight * You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods * You do not always follow the orders of the management team * You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas * You take a lot of non-rostered breaks * You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working * You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift * You don't always observe OH&S measures, such as wearing the correct protective outfits * You don't wait till pension age before retiring * You don't like working double shifts * You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work * And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags. Subject: a HANDY WORD > > > > > >>>> > > > > > > >>>> >>There's only one other word that I can think of that's more > > > > > >flexible > > > > > >>>than > > > > > >>>> >>this one! > > > > > >>>> >> > > > > > >>>> >>@*!# is a powerful word. Just think of all the concepts >and > > > > >ideas > > > > > >you > > > > > >>>can > > > > > >>>> >>communicate with it. @*!# may just be the most powerful >word in > > > > > >the > > > > > >>>> >>English language. > > > > > >>>> >> > > > > > >>>> >>CONSIDER THIS: > > > > > >>>> >> > > > > > >>>> >>You can be @*!# faced, be @*!# out of luck, or have @*!# >for > > > > > >brains. > > > > > >>>> >> > > > > > >>>> >>With a little effort you can get your @*!# together, find a >place > > > > > >for > > > > > >>>your > > > > > >>>> >>@*!# or decide to @*!# or get off the pot. > > > > > >>>> >> > > > > > >>>> >>You can smoke @*!#, buy @*!#, sell @*!#, lose @*!#, find >@*!#, > > > > > >forget > > > > > >>>@*!#, > > > > > >>>> >>and tell others to eat @*!# and die. > > > > > >>>> >> > > > > > >>>> >>You can @*!# or go blind, have a @*!# fit or just @*!# your >life > > > > > >away. > > > > > >>>> >> > > > > > >>>> >>People can be @*!# headed, @*!# brained, @*!# blinded, and >@*!# > > > > > >over. > > > > > >>>> >> > > > > > >>>> >>Some people know their @*!# while others can't tell the > > > > >difference > > > > > >>>between > > > > > >>>> >>@*!# and shineola or apple butter. > > > > > >>>> >> > > > > > >>>> >>There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet >shits. > > > > > >>>> >> > > > > > >>>> >>There is bull @*!#, horse @*!# and chicken @*!#. > > > > > >>>> >> > > > > > >>>> >>You can throw @*!#, sling @*!#, catch @*!#, or duck when >the @*!# > > > > > >hits > > > > > >>>the > > > > > >>>> >fan. > > > > > >>>> >> > > > > > >>>> >>You can take a @*!#, give a @*!#, or serve @*!# on a >shingle. > > > > > >>>> >> > > > > > >>>> >>You can find yourself in deep @*!#, or be happier than a >pig in > > > > > >@*!#. > > > > > >>>> >> > > > > > >>>> >>Some days are colder than @*!#, some days are hotter than >@*!#, > > > > > >and > > > > > >>>some > > > > > >>>> >>days are just plain shitty. > > > > > >>>> >> > > > > > >>>> >>Some music sounds like @*!#, things can look like @*!#, and >there > > > > > >are > > > > > >>>times > > > > > >>>> >>when you feel like @*!#. > > > > > >>>> >> > > > > > >>>> >>You can have too much @*!#, not enough @*!#, the right >@*!#, the > > > > > >wrong > > > > > >>>@*!# > > > > > >>>> >>or a lot of weird @*!#. > > > > > >>>> >> > > > > > >>>> >>You can carry @*!#, have a mountain of @*!#, or find >yourself up > > > > > >@*!# > > > > > >>>creek > > > > > >>>> >>without a paddle. > > > > > >>>> >> > > > > > >>>> >>Sometimes you really need this @*!# and sometimes you don't >want > > > > > >any > > > > > >>>@*!# > > > > > >>>> >>at all. > > > > > >>>> >> > > > > > >>>> >>Sometimes everything you touch turns to @*!# and other >times you > > > > > >swim > > > > > >>>in a > > > > > >>>> >>lake of @*!# and come out smelling like a rose. > > > > > >>>> >> > > > > > >>>> >>@*!#! When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the >basic > > > > > >building > > > > > >>>> >>block of creation. > > > > > >>>> >> > > > > > >>>> >>And remember, once you know your @*!#, you don't need to >know > > > > > >anything > > > > > >>>> >else. Having A Bad Day? Deep thoughts.. The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this: You're a Siamese twin. Your brother, attached at your shoulder, is gay. You're not. He has a date coming over today. But you only have one ass. Feel better?

Choosing a wife A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up andbuys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed. The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed. The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs. Men are like that, you know. There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. A Texas Chili Contest Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL. Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3) Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili... Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy! Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili... Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili... Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer... Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic... Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover... Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks. Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety... Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone. Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili... Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili... Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili? Q: Whats the worst thing about driving a porsche? a: Telling your parents you're gay. Wouldn't really call this a joke I guess, but's it's really neat I think. 1. Grab a calculator. (You don't want to try and do this in your head) 2. Key in the first three digits of your phone no. (NOT your area code) 3. Multiply by 80 4. Add 1 5. Multiply by 250 6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone no. 7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone no. again 8. Subtract 250 9. Divide the no. by 2 Do you recognize the answer?

Oil Change Instructions For Women 1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change. 2. Drink a cup of coffee. 3. 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. Money Spent Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00 Total $21.00 Oil Change Instructions For Men 1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00. 2. Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home. 3. Open a beer and drink it. 4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. 6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 7. Place drain pan under engine. 8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 9. Give up and use crescent wrench. 10. Unscrew drain plug. 11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss. 12. Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil. 13. Have another beer while watching oil drain. 14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench. 15. Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off. 16. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer. 17. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener. 18. Sunday: Skip church because, "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle. 19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18. 20. Beer? No, drank it all yesterday. 21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer. 22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface. 23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 24. Remember drain plug from step 11. 25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 26. Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug. 27. Drink beer. 28. Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas. 29. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill. 30. Drink beer. 31. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame. 32. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31. 33. Begin cussing fit. 34. Throw stupid crescent wrench. 35. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob. 36. Beer. 37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow. 38. Beer. 39. Beer. 40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. 41. Beer. 42. Lower car from jack stands. 43. Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil. 44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43. 45. Beer. 46. Test drive car. 47. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence. 48. Car gets impounded. 49. Call loving wife, make bail. 50. 12 hours later, get car from impound yard. Money Spent Parts $50.00 DUI $2500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail $1500.00 Beer $40.00 Total $4165.00 -- But you know the job was done right! A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be." "Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me." "Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up." "Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver." "Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.. " "Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not" "Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it." "Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it." "Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look." "Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was.....God, I miss him !" "But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!" she said. "Good," said the husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get SCREWED!" THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked. "They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies. I stopped. " Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?" He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again. Stupid, stupid man!!!!!!!!!!

THE THREE LITTLE PIGS Three little pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order. "I would like a Sprite", said the first little piggy. "I would like a Coke", said the second little piggy. "I would like a beer. Lots and lots of beer", said the third little piggy. The drinks were brought out and the waiter took the orders for dinner. "I want a nice big steak", said the first little piggy. "I would like the salad plate", said the second little piggy. "I would like beer, lots and lots of beer", said the third little piggy. The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approched the table and asked if any of the little piggies would like dessert. "I want a banana split", said the first little piggy. "I want a root beer float", said the second little piggy. "I want beer, lots and lots of beer", said the third little piggy. "Pardon me for asking", said the waiter to the third little piggy, "but why have you only ordered beer all evening"? Your gonna love this.......... The third little piggy said................ "Well somebody has to go wee, wee, wee all the way home"! A Load of Bull Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out West to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, comfortable'." The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word,'comfortable'?" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow."

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