Try this one for the mess I caused on the floor if nothing else
Slipped on wet floor while drinking the dregs from a pint glass.
Broke the glass on top of my nose on the floor and stabbed myself through the neck with what remained.
Lay there spurting on the floor of the bar.
Luckily I had been standing next to a chief paramedic who saved my life.
Lost 2 pints of blood.
Slashed an artery which couldn't be repaired and had to be tied off,
Followed by plastic surgery to sew up my face and re attach my ear,
I wish I could say it was a drunken misadventure from years ago in my student days but it was only last year on bowling night.