M13KYF Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 > So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase and he > went T'PAU! > > I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? > > He said "No, I've got china in my hand." > > > > > I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button. > > > > > I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best > Before End' > > > > > So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." > > I said "No, just a watch." > > > > > I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." > > The bloke said "Kenwood" > > I said, "Where is he?" > > > > > So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" > > The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" > > I said, "I don't care what star sign it is." > > > > > I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herbie. > > They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver. > > > > > My mate is in love with two schoolbags. > > He's bisatchel. > > > > > I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." > > He said, "You've got cholera." > > > > > So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his > name, it's P something T something R. > > > > > I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put > it down. > > > > > I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on > and on. > > > > > My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? > > I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me." > > > > > So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. > > I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." > > He said, "No, this is for the custard." > > > > > This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin > paper. > He said, "I want you to trace someone for me." > > > > > So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. > > It was a turtle disaster. > > > > > So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. > > She said "Tenpin?" > > I said, "No, it's a permanent job." > > > > > So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. > > She said, "Are you having me on?" > > I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you > anything." > > > > > I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip > outside my house?" > > He said, "I'm not stopping you!" > > > > > So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!" > > > > > So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. > > He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" > > He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" > > He said "You're closest" > > > > > So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen > on it. > > I thought "that's Aboriginal." > > > > > I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd > been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. > > He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved > again. > > He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. > > The police came and asked me what had happened. > > I said "I careered off the road" > > > > > I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the > shoulders of vampires. > > I was charged with shoplifting on two counts. > > > > > I bought a train ticket and they said "Eurostar" > > I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin. > > > > > I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do > the splits. > > He said, "How flexible are you?" > > I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays." > > > > > So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The > Elephant Man?" > > He said, "He's not your type." > > I said "Can I have Batman Forever?" > > He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow" > Quote
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