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Awfully brilliant jokes


M13KYF

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> So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase and he

> went T'PAU!

>

> I said "Don't you mean KAPOW??

>

> He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

>

>

>

>

> I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

>

>

>

>

> I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best

 

> Before End'

>

>

>

>

> So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue."

>

> I said "No, just a watch."

>

>

>

>

> I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."

>

> The bloke said "Kenwood"

>

> I said, "Where is he?"

>

>

>

>

> So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"

>

> The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?"

>

> I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

>

>

>

>

> I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herbie.

>

> They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

>

>

>

>

> My mate is in love with two schoolbags.

>

> He's bisatchel.

>

>

>

>

> I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels."

>

> He said, "You've got cholera."

>

>

>

>

> So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his

 

> name, it's P something T something R.

>

>

>

>

> I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put

 

> it down.

>

>

>

>

> I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on

> and on.

>

>

>

>

> My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work??

>

> I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

>

>

>

>

> So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.

>

> I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."

>

> He said, "No, this is for the custard."

>

>

>

>

> This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin

> paper.

> He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

>

>

>

>

> So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.

>

> It was a turtle disaster.

>

>

>

>

> So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.

>

> She said "Tenpin?"

>

> I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

>

>

>

>

> So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.

>

> She said, "Are you having me on?"

>

> I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you

> anything."

>

>

>

>

> I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip

> outside my house?"

>

> He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

>

>

>

>

> So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

>

>

>

>

> So I fancied a game of darts with my mate.

>

> He said, "Nearest the bull goes first"

>

> He went "Baah" and I went "Moo"

>

> He said "You're closest"

>

>

>

>

> So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen

 

> on it.

>

> I thought "that's Aboriginal."

>

>

>

>

> I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd

 

> been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car.

>

> He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved

> again.

>

> He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree.

>

> The police came and asked me what had happened.

>

> I said "I careered off the road"

>

>

>

>

> I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the

> shoulders of vampires.

>

> I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

>

>

>

>

> I bought a train ticket and they said "Eurostar"

>

> I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

>

>

>

>

> I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do

> the splits.

>

> He said, "How flexible are you?"

>

> I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

>

>

>

>

> So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The

> Elephant Man?"

>

> He said, "He's not your type."

>

> I said "Can I have Batman Forever?"

>

> He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

>

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