Liam's Z

Why the increase? Supply and demand

Welcome matey Like you already

A drunk, man who smelled like beer, sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath." The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be," then returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Good answer! The following is an actual question given on a chemistry mid term exam. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well: Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (i.e. gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct ......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God." THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. Now you're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your p@nis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it." Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on "But it's going to be alright, we have the technology now to build you a new one that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch". The bloke perks up at this, even though its a thousand pounds an inch. "So the thing is" the doctor says," it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a vital role in helping you make the decision." So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day. "So" says the doctor "Have you spoken with your wife?". "I have " says the fellow. "And has she helped you in making the decision?". "She has" says the bloke. "And what is it?" asks the doctor. . . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. The bloke looks up and says "We're having a new kitchen".

Dear Colleague > > There are a lot of changes that are going to be taking place across > the board as Far as the servers & personal computers go. The goal is > to remove all laptop computers by December 2005 and all desktops > computers by February 2006 as a part of the ongoing cost-cutting > around the company. > > Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. > > There are many sound reasons for doing this: > 1. No boot-up problems > 2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done. > 3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails. > 4. No more worries about power cuts. > 5. Budget savings on Upgrades unparalleled > > Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk: > > Q : My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the > screen. > A: Pick it up and shake it. > > Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off? > A: Pick it up and shake it. > > Q: What's the shortcut for Undo? > A: Pick it up and shake it. > > Q: How do I create a New Document window? > A: Pick it up and shake it. > > Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same colour? > A: Pick it up and shake it. > > Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch? > A: Pick it up and shake it. > > Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch? > A: Pick it up and shake it. > > Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document? > A: Don't shake it. > > Regards > IT Help desk

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 3. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 4. People call at 9 PM and ask, " Did I wake you ???? " 5. You can eat dinner at 4 PM ? and get the Earlybird. 6. You can live without sex but not your glasses. 7. Things you buy now won't wear out. 8. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 9. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room. 10. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service. 11. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. 12. You can't remember who sent you this list... And you'll notice that these are all in BIG PRINT for your convenience.

A WOMAN'S POEM Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen to my song, One who thinks before he speaks, ; ; One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, And knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?" I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend. MAN'S POEM I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a Bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a @*!#.

Edit: Fuel Filter N/A Spark Plugs every 5 years or 54,000 miles

India Pale Ale? Correct

I've seen plenty of women in cars sales This doesn't mean they can drive tho

Cool

True story?

I've seen this in real life!!! Ended up getting out my car to park the other car up

What time are we scheduled to be eating? about lunchtime Which day

Is it not just a phone charger???

But Tim like's things cheapo.... That's why he has a JDM

Correct

Just contact your local stealer

OMG The suspense was bloody killing me What happens in the last 20 secs, it cuts out on me???

Jesussss - they must of been bald

Where does the wire go too that runs along side the seat???