1) I coat my cornflakes every morning with lead filings and 99Ron fuel. 
2) I cut the grass by pouring petrol over it and setting fire! 
3) I chew on wild rabbits as a snack. 
4) I blow my tyres up with my mouth. 
5) I shave with a bowie knife. 
6) I changed my oil and used my teeth to get the sup plug off! 
7) I too changed my oil and drank the waste! 
8) I eat my dinner with a pitch fork and machete. 
9) My cat has been trained to be the local drug dealer 
10) I drive a pick up truck. The manliest vehicle in the known universe 
11) I am ians cats best customer 
12) When servicing my car I don't use ramps, I hold my car up with my knees 
13) I wear barbed wire instead of socks 
14) I brush my teeth with a wire brush 
15) I drink sand 
16) I can do 0-60 in 2.5 seconds. That's twice as fast as my car. 
17) I used hair straighteners to smash my teeth out when I got bored cleaning them. 
18) when I cook tea I often cut my own finger off as a snack. 
19) I ate Ian's cat because it gives short measures 
20) I use sandpaper condoms. 
21) I do my own electrical work - stripping wires with my teeth - and leave the supply on whilst doing it. 
22) When I do push-ups my body stays still and the earth moves up and down 
23) I pop into fine haberdasheries and say "Your hats are less than exceptional." 
24) I got into a knife fight. The knife lost 
25) I'm a lumber jack and I'm ok, I cut down trees and I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra - I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa...............is this the right thread ? 
26) I aspire to turbo/supercharge everything I own, this includes the microwave 
27) Even as a kid I could anhialate everyone at a game of conkers......USING MY LEFT NUT 
28) When the Olympics found out G4S couldnt provide the security required they asked me if i could do it, but i was too busy drinking beer and nailing strippers. 
29) Not only do I pee standing up, I'm doing a handstand, not standing on my feet 
30) I don't wash the dishes they wet themselves in fear 
31) The exotic dancers at my local Gentleman's club know me by name. 
32) when I need to stop a wee midstream I smash him with a hammer to stem the flow 
33) I make onions cry 
34) my seaman can swim the channel . . . and back !