A Christmas Poem

[Lincolnbaggie]

It was Christmas Day in the workhouse

The merriest day of the year

The paupers and the prisoners

Were all assembled there

 

In came the Christmas pudding

When a voice that shattered glass

Said, "We don't want your Christmas pudding

So stick it

there with the rest of the unwanted presents"

 

The workhouse master then arose

And prepared to carve the duck

He said "Who wants the parson's nose

And the prisoners shouted

"you have it yourself sir"

 

The vicar brought his bible

And read out little bits

Said one old crone at the back of the hall

"This man gets on

very well with everybody"

 

The workhouse mistress then began

To hand out Christmas parcels

The paupers tore the wrappers off

And began to wipe their

eyes, which were full of tears

 

The master rose to make a speech

But just before he started

The mistress, who was fifteen stone

Gave three loud cheers and

nearly choked herself

 

And all the paupers then began

To pull their Christmas crackers

One pauper held his too low down

And blew off both his

paper hat and the man's next to him

 

A steaming bowl of white bread sauce

Was handed round to some

An aged gourmet called aloud

"This bread sauce tastes like

it was made by a continental chef"

 

Mince pie with custard sauce was next

And each received a bit

One pauper said "The mince pie's nice

But the custard tastes like

the bread sauce we had in the last verse !"

 

The mistress dishing out the food

Dropped custard down her front

She cried "Aren't I a silly girl"

And they answered "You're a

perfect picture as always ma'am !"

 

"This pudding ", said the master

"It's solid, hard and thick

how am I going to cut it ?"

And a man cried "Use your

penknife sir, the one with the pearl handle"

 

The mistress asked the vicar

To entertain his flock

He said "What would you like to see ?"

And they cried "Let's see your

conjuring tricks, they're always worth watching"

 

"Your reverence may I be excused ?"

Said one benign old chap

"I don't like conjuring tricks

I'd sooner have a

carol or two around the fire"

 

So then they all began to sing

Which shook the workhouse walls

"Merry Christmas!" cried the master

And the inmates shouted

"Best of luck to you as well sir !"