Hi guys,
Sorry for the super slow reply.
So, I tested all the fuses and the bcm and found nothing wrong, everything was working!
I took it to an autoelectrician and he tested everything twice. He said the first time everything was fine but the second time he got a dodgy reading on a fuse.
Turns out nothing was broken, the fuse just wasn't touching the connection so he swapped it.
For anyone's future reference it was either that fuse everyone was suspicious of or the fuse 2 to the right of it, I can't remember now.
Thank you for the advice guys. A typical case of bad luck and a really minor issue causing hours of searching.