nowhereboy Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 This is a pretty heavy subject for a car forum but as I've said before I consider many of you friends and I'm finding it hard to get non Biased advice from people who know me in person. Very long story short, some of you know I've had relationship problems off and on for a while now, my now ex ended things again after xmas/new year which was the third time in a 12 month period she's called things off. Her mind was obviously already made up before doing it this time, so she appears to be fine and dandy and happily getting on with her life, unfortunately I'm not doing so well. The last time we split she told her 7 year old son about it and he was very upset, she's obviously worried about telling him again this time and instead has been telling him I've been working away. We agreed to stay in touch as friends and that I would come up a couple of times a week to see her son. I still have feelings for my ex and this arrangement is not working for me, I keep holding onto hope that we will fix things and little by little that hope keeps vanishing, I've been living my life counting down the days until I next see them, thinking of them non stop etc. I am completely torn, I feel like going no contact is the only way to move on with my life but I know that means accepting it really is over and giving up hope, I don't want to give up if there is any chance of fixing things but right now it doesn't look good. I keep thinking of her little boy and how much he cares for me, he's a walking little mini version of me, I have had a huge influence on the person he is growing up into and I know it will break his heart if I disappear. What do people think is for the best here? A clean break, no contact with her or her son? Or try to forget about my feelings for this woman and maintain a friendship for the sake of seeing her son every now and again? My family/friends at this point are basically telling me to run and never look back. I don't think they fully understand what it's like to walk away from a stepchild you have raised as your own for years.... Opinions? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aashenfox Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 As someone who is having relationship issues on and off for a while, with two young children in the equation (mine though), and as someone who was the 7 year old son in this story as well (my mother has been married 4 times), I have the following points to make... 1) While the idea that I wouldn't see one of my mother's husbands again bothered me greatly at the time, I got over it very quickly, and still only have fond memories for that guy. You will have contact with him again when he's older, if you want to, take a bit of heart from that. 2) If you don't make a clean break, the pain will never go away. The hope will always be there and the rejection and feelings of failure will ruin you even if only over the short term. I have to agree with your family. The amount of emotional upheaval I have felt in my life has led me to be somewhat pragmatic in such matters, and while I know that your hope is a source of strength, it is also a source of pain, and you will be stuck in that rut until you do something about it. Move on, bro, there's nothing you can do if she is sure that she doesn't need you any more, it's better for everyone if you just bow out, it will help her and her little one to move on as well. That's my 2c. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
docwra Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 Dude, its your limited time on this mortal coil you are wasting here, if you keep going back youll never actually accept its over and always be waiting for "another chance". 3 times in 12 months is more than enough pissing about to handle, life is too short IMO - move on and find someone that genuinely makes you happy. Its hard on the boy but like I said, its your life that needs to come first, not his or hers. Apologies if this is harsh but Ive just see a couple of friends suddenly become single at close to 40, one in particular has realised hes been wasting the last 5 years trying to make something broken work again. Life is too short. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jay84 Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 My wife and I split for a year (it was all my fault), we're back together now some how. We have 2 daughters and I have a 15 yr old step son that ive raised since he was 4. I always said whatever happens with my SO, Id always continue to raise him. I guess the difference is its hard seeing someone you want to be with regularly doing the pick ups, but if you had kids of your own you'd struggle to walk away and break all contact. A couple of weeks apart with no contact may clear your head. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stutopia Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 After 3 goes you've given it your best and endured more than most. Time to move on and spend your energy pursuing something with a future. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ebized Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 Dare I also mention that as much as it may seem like rubbing salt in your wounds but if you really care about your stepson, you might have to accept your ex may find another partner who (hopefully) also may wish to have a good relationship with the boy who then is potentially going to be torn between two step-dads (you don't mention the natural father so I assume he is no longer around). So in the childs best interests stepping away completely may help him to bond with another rather than being torn between two wannbe step-dads? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ekona Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 Ditch completely and move on. It never, ever works to keep seeing them if you're the one with the feelings. Ever. The lad will get over it. It's his mum's job to make sure he's okay, not yours: I know that seems harsh, but right now you have to look after yourself. If you're in no fit state, then kids will pick up on that and you'll make everyone miserable and him confused. You could write him a letter and try and explain things, but only you will know whether this is the right call and whether he will accept it. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ekona Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 And I know it's easier said than done cutting contact completely, but the quicker you do it the quicker you can have your own life back. Ultimately, that's the most important thing here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
colesl4w Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 (edited) Have to agree with what the others have said here. A complete break of all contact is what you need to do. You're currently putting her on a pedestal and putting her first. Just look after number 1 and you'll be much happier much quicker. You visiting to make her son happy is only making her life easier while making yours harder. Screw that, she can deal with the full fallout of her decision. Edited February 13, 2017 by colesl4w Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TT350 Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 Hi. I don't know if you saw my posts a few months ago about my relationship problems. My ex and I broke up after 5 years in July. I lingered around a bit hoping we could get back together. Worst thing I could have done. It saps your strength and your soul and your life suddenly becomes black and white whereas before, it was technicolour. And I let it go on for a good couple of months. I didn't really put faith in the no contact rule. I thought my circumstances were unique and that some things didn't apply to me and my relationship. I eventually went no contact. Not because I totally manned up, but because she'd become someone I didn't recognise anymore. She wasn't the kind, sweet, loving girl I knew. Looking back, she had no regard for my feelings at all and she'd become cold and harsh. Total stranger. All she wanted from me was money that she thought I owed her. Yep, that's right, she dumped me and wanted financial compensation for the 5 years. So I got to a point where I just didn't want to be around her any more. I didn't know her. I just kept being faced with a blank cold expression and unfriendly tone of voice. So, no contact. It really does work. I didn't think I'd ever climb out of the abyss she threw me into but I have come out of it the other end healed and a better person for it. If I can get through it with no moral support from friends and family, then you surely can get through it too. Absolutely. With the kids thing, I can't advise you. I don't have any. I know it's much, much harder when children are involved. But I still think leaving a malfunctioning relationship is the right thing to do if all attempts to save the relationship have failed. Ekona was right when he replied to my thread back then. He said "If you move out, you're not going back" and it was right. She'd vomited me out of her home and life in the space of an hour. And he makes a lot of good points on this thread too. An acquaintance of mine for whom I was best man, stayed married to his wife for 10 years. She was abusive before they got married and it escalated after they were married. He was a broken man when SHE broke up with him! All that crap he put up with and she dumped him. That's some low self esteem! They got divorced and now he's happy in a relationship with a 22 year old teacher! Don't be like him. Maintain your soul and dignity. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TT350 Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 Post-a-thon there! Sorry! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jetpilot Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 he's happy in a relationship with a 22 year old teacher! From the frying pan to the fire.............. Op, follow the unanimous advise, its the harder path, but without doubt the one you need to walk. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nowhereboy Posted February 13, 2017 Author Share Posted February 13, 2017 Cheers for the advice everyone. I was interested in talking with you actually TT as I know you went through a rough patch recently, was curious as to how you were getting on now. I guess it's a certain form of denial you enter when you get dumped, it's hard to believe and accept. It's made harder by mixed signals from the ex (or maybe just me twisting things in my head), I keep thinking she's obviously not 100% done otherwise she wouldn't continue to have me in her life, texting me, seeing her child etc. However she doesn't appear to be struggling with anything and she told me she is happy now without the stress of worrying about us 24/7. I told her last night that this is becoming to much for me, that I feel like I'm making a fool out of myself and that I think I need to walk away. I said the only way for me to move on would be to walk away completely, she didn't seem to like the idea, stating it seems sad to have things end on bad terms like that and that we still need to talk to each other to discuss finances etc ( I took a loan out for her). I agreed to call her back later that day to discuss how we wanted to pan things out from here, I sat and stewed over what to say for hours before getting a text off her saying she was too tired to talk and going to bed I think following the advice of pretty much everyone is the way forward at this point. I guess until I do this she won't really see the reality of her decision and I don't want to find myself in a position where I'm still seeing her occasionally and she finds a new man. Maybe she will come back after a few weeks telling me what a big mistake this all was, I doubt it tho. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jetpilot Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 (edited) I keep thinking she's obviously not 100% done otherwise she wouldn't continue to have me in her life, texting me, seeing her child etc. However she doesn't appear to be struggling with anything and she told me she is happy now without the stress of worrying about us 24/7. I told her last night that this is becoming to much for me, that I feel like I'm making a fool out of myself and that I think I need to walk away. I said the only way for me to move on would be to walk away completely, she didn't seem to like the idea, stating it seems sad to have things end on bad terms like that and that we still need to talk to each other Its called a guilty conscience and keeping her options open, its not all about what she wants dude Edited February 13, 2017 by Jetpilot Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andy_Muxlow Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 Hi buddy, 1 thing to think about is if 1 day she finds someone else and you have to try to deal with this on top of your feelings for her also. What's best for you is what you need to think about, as others have said we are not here for a long time, and we don't get another chance... Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
docwra Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 she didn't seem to like the idea Dude, shes left you three times in 12 months, who gives a toss what she does and doesnt like? From what Ive seen youve been doing everything you can to make things work, youve only got one person to blame when they dont. I was lucky that I had this when I was much younger, I as an absolute sap over it and got played by the girl in question. All I got from it was a sadface for 6 months and a relatively large portion of my late teens when I should have been sticking it in anything with a pulse rather than sitting at home crying to myself on a Friday night. The feeling when you finally realise youve moved on and are your own man again is awesome, if you can also accompany that with a sweet girl then youll wonder what you were wasting your time on 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sipar69 Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 (edited) Another vote for walk away. I've been in a similar situation. Despite being the resident child disliker on here, I was actually very fond of an ex's kids and missed them greatly when we split. You've got to think of yourself in these situations and look to the long term. Brutal truth is the kids will get over it pretty quickly, but continuing contact when you still have feelings for her will only prolong your misery. Edited February 13, 2017 by sipar69 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glrnet Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 Walk away, save yourself from anymore pain but most of all be proud of what you have given the lad, the fact that she is lying to him is proof of that in itself. I know it's tough but this was on the cards if as you say, she prepared herself for it. Good luck buddy. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TT350 Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 Nowhereboy, My ex did the same. Sending me signals. But the things is, it's us that sees signs in things they say. All the analysing what they say and then you try and put a spin on it in your own mind as a sign. It's normal at the stage you're at. Looking for crumbs that she's sprinkling. And also, like you, my ex was totally fine and at peace with her decision. She also said getting rid of me was a huge relief. I think that, when a woman is done, they're done. They have a mechanism where they can live totally in denial that you were ever happy as a couple and will heap blame on you for causing those years to be unhappy. When I was talking to my ex, I'd bring up happy memories that I knew she loved and enjoyed at the time and she'd just deflect it and play it down. "Remember when we went to that Spa in Wales for my birthday and it was so quiet and we had the place to ourselves because of the snowstorm?" "Yeah. We must have been crazy to go in that weather" A woman can be done with you but still keep you dangling. It's a safety measures. There'll come a time when she'll tell you straight because she'll be that fed up with you lingering and she'll be brutal. And you'll feel like a total mug. So when you say you think she's not 100% done with you, she most likely is. "Women are like monkeys. They don't let go of one branch until they've got hold of another" Like you, my ex lingered to get some money out of me. Not because she wanted to be with me. I don't even want my ex back any more. I too used to think "she'll wake up. She'll come back eventually. Maybe not now but in a couple of years" Why would I want someone back who discarded me at a moments notice and proceeded to grind me down. The same goes for you mate. She's obviously mistreating you. Don't let her. Move on. It'll be hard and the good memories will be at the front of your mind. I promise you, if you carry on, she'll forcefully remove you from her life and you'll hit new lows. Don't do it mate. Don't let her dictate the terms and keep you dangling. No woman will respect a man who allows himself to be trodden. So, come on, we're all behind you. You'll be fine. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mondo 300 Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 Ditch completely and move on. It never, ever works to keep seeing them if you're the one with the feelings. Ever. The lad will get over it. It's his mum's job to make sure he's okay, not yours: I know that seems harsh, but right now you have to look after yourself. If you're in no fit state, then kids will pick up on that and you'll make everyone miserable and him confused. You could write him a letter and try and explain things, but only you will know whether this is the right call and whether he will accept it. This. All of this. If she wants out then the best thing you can do is give her what she wants. She can pick up the pieces with her son and explain to him why you're no longer around. Your priority is yourself and, as has been said, it'll never be easy seeing her while you have feelings for her. Good luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GMballistic Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 Can't really add much more as it's all been said already and I agree with most everyone. As hard as it will be for you and the young lad you've grown to love as your own the best thing for both of you is to make a clean break ~ Not sure how much a 7 year old will understand but it might be worth seeing him one last time and explaining that things didn't work out between you & his Mum so you need to move on. Terrible situation for you to be in but you need to concentrate on yourself. I've lingered around an Ex before who basically led me on and kept me there as a "back up boyfriend" in case she couldn't find anyone else. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TT350 Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 (edited) Also I think it's worth adding, that women's friends love to whisper in the ear of a guys gf/ex gf. They're very persuasive in groups. When a girl complains to her friends about her boyfriend, it's instinctive of them to tear a guy down. There's no rational perspective on it. "You don't need no man like that, girlfren'. You take what's yours then leave his ass!. He done you wrong now you do him worse!" It's commendable in a way. As guys we don't tend to offer morale and rally around a man that's down. About the best a guy will offer is "You'll be fine mate. Cheer up. Go bang a sl*t and you'll feel miles better" All the above while not taking his eyes off the TV once lol. Edited February 13, 2017 by TT350 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ekona Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 And I hate to say it, but unless you have a contract somewhere about that loan then you can write it off now, unless she's very decent. I would start treating this more like a business relationship from now on: She's already mentioned about various finances, so sit down and make a lit of who owes each person what. Come up with a payment schedule, get it in writing and get it signed before she realises what a nice position she's actually in. Don't let yourself get walked over here mate. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wayne370Z Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 I can`t really empathise with your issues over children. I don`t really have the strongest of paternal instincts when it comes to my own children let alone any step children but I can relate to being dumped by someone that you love. I left the first wife to be with the second and 7 years later we split up. It was her doing and not what I wanted al all. I was devastated and hoped and prayed that it wasn`t really happening but in the end, and as hard as it was at the time, I just had to accept that she didn`t want to be with me (otherwise we wouldn`t be splitting up) and I didn`t want to be with anyone that didn`t want to be with me. It`s not easy and takes a while but gradually you get your life back together and move on and meet someone else and the whole traumatic experience becomes just a distant memory. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sipar69 Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 One thing I will say is that you definitely can be friends with an ex but experience has taught me that you need to leave a long enough gap for you both to have no romantic feelings left for each other. I'm good friends now with the girl I mentioned earlier in this thread, but it's ten years down the line and our lives have moved on. Trying to be friends when one of you still has feelings is practically impossible. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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